There is so so much to say.
I am emotionally drained and still trying to find my peace.
Today was the visit to the orphanage. 3+ hours one way.
So many feelings and bits of new information, and a better understanding of our girl.
My head is swimming trying to process it all. Initially I think it is the hardest thing I’ve done in this adoption adventure. I’m still so very glad we went. Not all families have this opportunity. Truth be told, very few China adoptive families have this opportunity so we are among the lucky few.
I learned more about her “special need.” Still processing it.
I learned some details of her abandonment. The mention of a “card board box” made me cry all over again.
I saw 2 children whose mamas are coming for them very very shortly. They are both just gorgeous.
Mazie was whisked away from me even before I had a chance to get out of the van. As we entered the care center, she pointed down the hall and said mama. She knew where she was going. I had never seen her point before, much less close to being this relaxed and animated. There was an ease about her in her other mama’s arms.
I didn’t even try to hold her again until it was time to leave. And that was alright by me. Mazie was at ease for the 2-3 hours we were there, and I wanted to give her that at least.
At the end, our guide instructed us, foster mama, me, and Mazie, to all hug. To show our girl that we liked each other and this hand-off was ok with us all. We did. My little one clenched every muscle in her precious little body as I approached and touched her in our embrace.
Our guide asked foster mama to tell our amazingly strong girl, in her own words, that I was her new mama now. And that it was ok that with the foster mama, that Mazie come be with us forever, her new family. That she would always love her and remember her. Foster mama brushed her cheek against our new daughter’s temple and quietly said these things to her. My tears were already coming at this point. I think foster mama’s were too. Mazie’s would be far behind.
Then our guide said to quickly take the baby and get into the van. I didn’t want to take her at all. I wanted her to be given to me. But it wasn’t physically possible.
And I did the best I could wrestling with a very very angry child.
We saw foster mama wipe away the tears as we left.
Unlike the hand off 3 days earlier, Mazie was fierce this time. In the van heading back, she recoiled her body and thrashed. She repeatedly pinched and hit me. She arched her back and threw back her head as she screamed The only thing I could do was keep her from hurting herself and pray over and over and over. She screamed until she was doing it in her sleep. And ultimately she collapsed into sleep in my arms. Only to sleep-cry some more.
There is so much more.
But I have to get this down before I forget the details.
This child was loved, and this child loved hard.
And this is all very good in the end.
My Mazie woke up finally in the van about 90 minutes later, and we were back to where we were when we woke that morning. Stoic and very much attached to me.
I understand so much more about her personality now, the extent of how much she was spoiled, and what she is capable of. And she is capable of so very much!
If anything, this trip to the orphanage has been wonderful closure for me. I’m ready to move one and proceed with tomorrow. And this is one of the best parts.
I intend to post lots of happy pics next post.
Or at least not crying ones.
She really is doing better this morning. She is waving bye-bye and letting other people interact with her. Her transition is a slow work in progress, but it is surely making progress. I hope the visit to the SWI in hind sight will be a turning point.