The Broken Point

My husband and I are in the throes of adoption for yet a third time.  I think any adoptive parent would tell you that the process isn’t easy.  It’s frustrating and disappointing.  Rarely are the waits shorter than you expected or the news better than you expected to hear.

Last week was one of *those* weeks for us.  Hands down the hardest week of any of our three adoption processes.  And that’s saying a lot when you consider that my husband was deployed for a portion of our last two adoptions.  To be perfectly honest with you, the week wore me down.  Completely.  I got to the point where I just wanted to walk away and not have to talk to another social worker or USCIS officer about another mistake or delay.  It wasn’t just the process itself that was taking the biggest toll on me…but all of the other outside “stuff” that was hitting us from every angle.  It was a defeating week all around, but the setbacks in our adoption were the straw that broke the camel’s back.  After more than three years of back-to-back-to back adoptions, I had hit my emotional limit.

There’s a quote by Derek Loux that says, “Adoption is redemption.  It is costly, exhausting, expensive and outrageous.  Buying back lives costs so much.  When God set out to redeem us, it killed him.”  Now, I in no way believe that my adoption of my  children is a full-scale comparison of my adoption into God’s family…but I do believe it is a small reflection of it.  I have a diploma hanging on my wall that says I’m well versed in the Bible.  But these three adoptions have taught me a whole lot more about the Gospel than those four years of college.  Through them, I’ve been able to grasp God’s love for his children on a whole new level.  But this past weekend, it got kicked up another notch.

For me, the celebration of Easter is normally about the empty tomb.  But this year my heart was focused on Good Friday and the days just prior.  The cry of my Lord and savior from Gethsemane to have the cup of God’s wrath taken from him if it was possible.  The surrendering of my Christ’s desires for the desires of his Father.  The beatings, the pain, the suffering.  The man from Cyrene who was called out of the crowd to help my Jesus carry his cross when the weight became too hard for him to bear.

This is the part of the redemption story I relate to most strongly in this season of adoption.  Because last week, I was emotionally beaten.  I wanted God to find another way to redeem our soon-to-be son’s life…because I know that He is the redeemer in this story, not me.  I had to surrender to his will, even though it was not what I wanted.  And because when I stumbled under the weight of the burden I was carrying, my friends rushed forward to help me carry the load.

Last week…and even into the Easter weekend…I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I wanted to run away and lay on a beach somewhere pretty and warm, where I didn’t feel like the weight of the world was crashing down on my shoulders.  But through the Easter story I was able to see my trials in a new light.  I was able to understand on a deeper level how costly my adoption into God’s family indeed was.  And to appreciate the fact that Jesus didn’t call down a legion of angels to save him, even though it was in his power.  He stayed committed to adopting me, even to the point of death.  No sorrow or pain or physical weakness would stop him.  No sacrifice was too big.  I reached a new point of brokenness, not based on my own battles…but on my Lord’s love for me.  And our “Gotcha Day” in a couple of months is going to be so much sweeter due to this new lesson I’ve learned.

“Through adoption God graciously brings us to participate in the reciprocal love that ever flows between the Father and his Son. Not only is this the very heart of adoption; it is also the very heart of the gospel.” {Dan Cruver, Reclaiming Adoption}



Comments

  1. Thank you, very helpful and thought provoking. As we begin our second adoption i have been gearing up for the ‘ride’, thanks for helping my perspective.

  2. Oh. Wow!
    What beautiful insight Tara.
    Thanks for the encouragement to stay committed to the process, even when it would be easier to walk away!

  3. Amen, Tara!!

  4. Tara, I was in China over Easter completing our first adoption, and your thoughts are some of the same that I have had. This life we brought home was so worth every disappointment, set back, and frustration. We named our daughter Caia, which means Rejoice, not even knowing that we would be in China on March 31! Loved your quotes, now I want to add those authors to my reading list. Thanks for your honest, heartfelt post.

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