Mystery Mama, I wish you were here today.

June 23, 2013 by nohandsbutours Angie, cl/cp 3 Comments

Mystery Mama, I wish you were here today.
Today of all days, you should be here.
Our daughter turns 3 today.
Watching her open gifts and boss her brothers around…you should be here. You should get to take a turn chasing her on the scooter she learned to ride last week and giggling when she dances in her new sunglasses to Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Angie1

Mystery Mama, we haven’t forgotten about you.
I think of you often, and we talk about you. At night, when I’m rocking her and loving her, I wonder if you think about her, too. Do you walk the same streets now that you did when she was a part of you, and wonder where she is? Do you remember her tiny, beautiful face? I long to show you pictures. Videos. Firsts and Seconds and Hundreds of moments that you missed. I want you to know this magnificent creature that is the daughter we share. You are important to me. To our child. Our family.

Mystery Mama, sometimes I’m angry with you.
She needed you then and she still needs you, so very deeply. We all do. We need to know you and for you to know us. We need to fill in the other half of our family tree.
I want to know many things, like her family history and her great great grandparents names. How much she weighed when she was born and what you labor was like. I want to know how you felt about her.
And I want to know why. Why why why. It will always be lingering. The “why” question that we long to have an answer to.

angie2

Mystery Mama, I’m thankful for you.
You are special and beautiful and the amazing child we share was crafted perfectly within you.
I long to reverse time.
Reverse my genes, my genetics, my ethnicity.
I long to be you.
To be the exact one who was given the blessing of this child from the very first moment.
But clearly, I wasn’t the perfect one to conceive her. Carry her. Channel life to her.
You were.
Mystery Mama, you were the perfect one God chose to bring her into this world. And that’s a gift we can’t ever begin to thank you for.

angie3

We celebrate her and we celebrate you, Mystery Mama. Even when tears fall as we wrestle with the reality of your mystery, we will honor you and we will not forget what you have given to us.





3 Responses to “Mystery Mama, I wish you were here today.”

  1. Dave Woodhouse says:

    You read my mind and my heart.

  2. Kit says:

    I am not your mystery mother, I know- the years are not right- but somewhere I hope that I am thought of as you do your mystery mom. If I could write a note to the little one that I gave up, and her mother, this is what I would say…and perhaps your own mystery mom feels the same:

    Dear child, dear mother of my little one now grown, I DO think of you. It used to be every hour of every day. Now, 31 years later, I think of you not as often, but I still wonder how you are, if your mama loves you as much as I still do, if the troubles I faced in my youth were ones that you had to face also. Giving you up was the hardest thing I have ever done, but the easiest decision I have ever made- because I knew it was the right thing for you, my beloved child, and I knew that there was a family that had been prepared to be your family. Sometimes even now I look at faces of the people around me and wonder… do you know her? In this big world, is it possible that one day I might come face to face with you-and not know it? Dear child, dear mother, please don’t be angry with me. Please forgive me, know that I love you both, and above all, please love each other for now and all eternity- then my sacrifice will be worth all the pain- yours and mine.

  3. Stefanie says:

    Love everything about this post, Angie. So beautifully said.

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