In May 2009, I first saw her face. She couldn’t possibly be our daughter; she didn’t “fit” any of the criteria we’d committed to on our Medical Needs Checklist and there was no way my husband would agree to adopting her. True, we’d agreed that caring for a child with cleft lip/palate was something we were capable of, but he’d been clear the added diagnosis of deafness was something too far out of his comfort zone.
Still, her image stayed with me and, on what seemed to be a whim, I found myself inquiring about the little girl with eyes that told a thousand stories.
Fast forward to October of that same year and there we were, meeting our profoundly deaf daughter in Zhengzhou, China. I was in love with her instantly; she was funny, inquisitive, obviously bright, and above all, she gave me the gift of motherhood.
On the flip side, we saw signs of much greater deficits than we’d expected. Our daughter, while quick to explore her surroundings, was far removed from any sort of real engagement with others. She was withdrawn, detached, and made no eye contact.
Acronyms and words such as ADHD and institutional autism were discussed. We felt in over our heads; we were terrified. Nevertheless, she was our daughter and we were committed to do everything in our power to enable her to form relationships, to learn, and to thrive.
Prior to meeting Ava, we’d made plans to communicate with her via sign language. We were unsure of the degree of hearing loss but knew that she had no formal language system in place. From day one, we signed to her and began teaching her signs as well.
She was a quick study and would humor us by signing a request, when prompted, but in those first days it was obvious she had no understanding that sign language was a tool that would allow her wants and needs to be met.
I’ve heard it said that you have to find a child’s “currency”; we discovered Ava’s on October 31, 2009. In a hallway of the The White Swan, trick-or-treating with other adoptive families, Ava discovered that if she signed “candy”, a little candy-coated bit of chocolate would be dropped into her hand. It was her “light bulb” moment; over and over, as fast as her little hands could move, she requested candies and popped them into her mouth! For the first time, I had real hope that we could reach this little girl who seemed so removed from the world.
Once home, as we continued to foster communication with sign language, we began the process of cochlear implantation (CI). At 5 years old, and with absolutely no hearing, CI would likely not enable Ava to acquire verbal language as her only mode of communication. Our hope was that it would give her more environmental awareness and perhaps afford her some speech capabilities that would be further supported by sign language.
It was not to be. Ava was implanted in February 2011 and subsequent to a cerebrospinal fluid leak and bacterial meningitis, the implant was removed in April of that same year. A second implant was deemed too great a risk; CI was no longer an option.
So there we were, grieving the loss of all we’d hoped for, uncertain of what the future would hold for our daughter, and wondering if we’d totally “missed God” in this endeavor. Everything we’d done had been done in obedience to Him and out of love for our daughter; now it seemed He was telling us “No, this is not for her, not for your family.” We were disoriented, angry, and wounded. We were battle-weary warriors, ready to surrender.
Then one morning, while still in the hospital recovering from the latest surgery, God spoke to me. He reminded me that while these were troubling days, we would, in the future, recount how He brought forth beauty from ashes. He works all things for our good and this would be no exception.
I’ll be very honest. When that CI was removed, it felt as though the ground beneath us had shaken, split, and was swallowing us as we tumbled, aimlessly, down into a chasm. As we’d gone through the process to acquire a cochlear implant, our vision of Ava’s future had become centered around her having some level of hearing, with some possible speech skills. Everything we’d begun to envision for her was hinged on her having a cochlear implant and now it felt as if all was being snatched away from her.
We were imagining a life for Ava based on our perspectives as hearing people; we had to accept that such a viewpoint wasn’t fair to our daughter.
Her life would be no less meaningful or purpose-filled without a cochlear implant. Supporting our daughter meant we needed a change in perspective – one that included American Sign Language.
Personally, as a speech-language pathologist, I had now entered territory that was beyond my scope of knowledge. I had a good grasp of general sign language but no real understanding of American Sign Language, which is a true language, vastly different from English.
ASL was something we’d thought we’d dive into if, and when, the time came. That thought process now seems very naïve; however, in addition to attempting to form attachment and give our daughter vocabulary and basic communication skills, we’d been busy addressing other medical needs related to her cleft lip/palate, as well as various other developmental delays so often present in children who have been institutionalized.
Signing with Ava was paramount but learning ASL had taken a back seat. Once again, we found ourselves stepping out in faith and saying “yes” to the unknown as we endeavored to learn a new language. Our sole ambition in doing so was to be able to truly connect and communicate with our daughter.
Five years later, God’s word to me has come to fruition. Ava is an amazing 11 year old who is happy, healthy, and thriving. She’s become one of the most securely attached children I know and she is fully engaged in life and relationships.
She loves to create, whether it’s painting/drawing, constructing, or making jewelry. She also enjoys swimming and horseback riding. Science, particularly life science, fascinates her; she has an insatiable curiosity for spiders and insects, a love for any and all marine life, and thoroughly enjoys gardening.
Ava has made tremendous strides in all facets of development. The delays and behaviors we witnessed in those early days have either disappeared or become almost nonexistent. We give credit to our miracle-working God for the transformation that has occurred in our precious girl. Signing, specifically, learning ASL, has been key to her development, education, and attachment. ASL opened doors that had been locked for so many years and Ava continues to walk through doors to new possibilities.
Our adoption journey to Ava, walking through some very dark days, and eventually learning ASL has opened doors for us, as parents, too. We have since adopted three more children from China. Our youngest daughter has moderate-severe hearing loss in one ear and our middle daughter is, like Ava, profoundly deaf. She receives some benefit from hearing aids but ASL is her sole form of communication.
I know that, had we not experienced life with Ava, we’d have found it very difficult to agree to adopt the children we now call ours. I hate to think how we could have missed out on our greatest blessings!
We’ve become a bilingual family – something we never imagined in our journey to become parents. Our deaf children offer a unique perspective on the world and it is one which fascinates me. I never imagined that first yes – stepping out of our comfort zone to adopt a profoundly deaf child – would lead to the family we have now. I am so very grateful that it did.
I am ever-reminded that even when God says “no”, He will honor our “yes”.
– guest post by Vicki: email || facebook
Thank you so much for sharing, Vicki!
Our God delights in walking with us to that place of total submission and dependence, a place of far greater intimacy with Him. Sometimes He has to force us there by the circumstances He orchestrates, because He knows we would never become that willing without them.
Love this.
Love you.
Love that I get to watch the Raleigh story unfold.
It’s a beautiful thing.
This is a wonderful, wonderful read!
Vicki,
You are such an eloquent writer and a deeply courageous woman. You don’t know how often your example propels me forward and strengthens my resolve to do better as a parent and not lose faith. I was thinking, just today, how God honors us when we step out bravely and boldly and do His work. It doesn’t mean we have perfect days, but, for me, it means we have a positive flow around us and the extra support of His hands. This is all so beautifully conveyed. Thank you, Julie
I love your family’s story! And the journey continues!
Love you❣????
Cathy
It’s always a pleasure to hear your heart to expand and grow your children’s world and to meet their needs as God leads. You know I love you and I think you are a rock star – this just confirms that for all the others who haven’t known that about you yet 🙂 <3 So thrilled to see your journey in print!!!!!!!
What you shared is so true we imagine what we think is best for our children based only on our experience and you couldn’t even imagine a house full of children when you adopted Ava. I think that all of us on our adoption journey with a special needs child thought we knew the path that we would take to bring them home less but it was a completely different path and I too am thankful for God and his patience and wisdom and gentle nudging to get me where I need to be in my parenting. I am still on a journey. What a beautiful story
Thank you, Lily. I always say that God gives me just enough information for me to say, “yes”. That’s all He needs – our willing and obedient hearts. I continue to remind myself of that as we walk through this life with our children.
Dear Vicki! I only just found your post! I was so excited because I remember Ava! I was a volunteer at Blue sky and we adopted our daughter Lily- who was there at the same time as Ava! My daughter remembers her and will be so thrilled to read this! We had heard Ava had been adopted but we didn’t know any more! To hear she is doing so well brings tears to my eyes! You know I had made a list of every child that was with Lily at Blue sky at the time and began praying for them. Some had very big disabilities and we were worried they would never be adopted (Lily had skin problems and hearing loss as well- which we didn’t know at the time- but she is able to function with hearing aids). But anyway, all the kids that were with her ended up being adopted! God is so good!!
Oh, my goodness, Amy, I wish you could see her now! The past two years have brought even greater change and Ava Laurence is just blossoming into the most lovely young lady. Yes, God is so, so good!