next shared list

October 28, 2012 by 2 Comments

The next shared list is scheduled to be released tomorrow night, October 29th! A new shared list is exciting news for all the waiting families out there!

Congratulations to all families in the Special Needs program, whether you find your child on shared list, the Special Focus list or an individual agency list… it’s always wonderful when children find their forever family!

If you have recently been matched with your special needs child, please feel free to share your news. We’d love to celebrate with you!



Filed Under: shared list

TAKE THAT Speech Delay!

October 27, 2012 by 4 Comments

Never did I imagine even a year ago that our just-turned 7-year-old daughter would be preparing for a big solo on the rather large stage at our church.

Never did I imagine even a few weeks ago when the children were told they could try out for solos and/or speaking parts in the 1st and 2nd Grade Christmas musical, never did I imagine our big girl would tell her Daddy on the way home that evening that she planned to try out.

Never did I imagine a few weeks later that she would actually go through with the audition, and from what I hear from the unbiased judges, she WOWED them all. Now I’m biased, but they aren’t, and they were VERY impressed with her singing and her signing.

Never did I imagine she would go in that room and sing her heart out as she sang “Sing, Sing, Sing” and put signs to it as well, and that she would not only come out beaming but telling me she did so well and she just knew she would get to sing a solo!

Never did I imagine that I would be so thankful to hear a child be a bit boastful, but if you’ve ever parented a child who at one time never spoke outside the walls of her home because “no one understands me anyway” … well you’d be proud of her boasting too I promise!

She has battled hard against a special need it seems not many people talk about or rather one that is often glossed over: Expressive and Articulation Speech Delay along with a repair of lip and palate after age 3 (which means no one-on-one catch up early intervention services are available).

When we met Li’l Miss in September 2008, she was 35 months old and very sick from her unrepaired heart disease. She was also living with an unrepaired unilateral cleft lip and very wide cleft palate. In the last 4 years, she has endured 9 surgeries. Out of those 9 surgeries, 6 involved her cleft lip and palate or secondary needs related to it (ear tubes, dental issues, velopharyngeal insufficiency).

When I say this girl has FOUGHT for every SINGLE SOUND she makes, I mean she has fought. At times she has willed her way through. Other times she has muddled her way through. And yet other times she has sulked her way through all while practicing those sounds over and over and over again.

She rarely complains, though sometimes I can see the frustration on her face as she has to practice sounds that come so easy for so many. I can see her sadness as someone looks to me for help in deciphering what she has just said. I can see her shutting down all too often when she realizes her words do not hold weight when they are not understood by others.

I have to say if your child speaks with ease, please don’t ever take it for granted. I know I never will again.

Speech Delay is H.A.R.D. It has affected our sweet girl’s every day. Many moments of her every day. Many milestones of her every day. Many moments that she missed because of her speech delays.

So when we found out last Sunday that our Li’l Miss would not only be getting a solo to sing in front of hundreds, but also a 9-stanza solo in the song that headlines the musical?

Y’all, I did immediately think “TAKE THAT Speech Delay! TAKE THAT!”


I asked Li’l Miss if I could share this story on my blog and on another blog which helps people learn more about different special needs, and she immediately got a big smile and said, “YES! Mommy! Yes!”

I asked her if I could interview her, and she was very excited for this. Here are a few questions she answered for me today:

1). What would you say is the hardest part of living with expressive speech delays and articulation delays?
Li’l Miss said: When people don’t understand how I talk. I have to repeat words a lot. It just hard when your friends not know what you saying.
{Editor’s Note: If you’re thinking I should have edited this better, I wrote it just as she said it because this is such a perfect example of expressive speech delays. Our Li’l Miss often leaves out those helper words such as “is” and “are”. We are working hard on it, but old habits die hard and this one is hanging on for dear life!}

2). What do you think other children with speech delays should do if they are frustrated or sad about it?
Li’l Miss said: Just keep trying. Don’t give up. And try even harder. You can learn to talk because I did.

3). How excited are you about your solo and are you nervous at all?
Li’l Miss said: I am very, very excited. I cannot wait to sing on the stage. I am not nervous at all. It will be so much fun!

Now aside from the fact she just turned 7 years old and couldn’t say most of the words in her solo even 18 months ago, seriously, I am just so moved by her strong spirit and her determined resolve to never give up.

While I will never tell anyone from our personal experience that speech delays and cleft lip and palate are easy or minor needs, I will say this: if you are blessed with the privilege of parenting a cleft-affected child, you will see determination from depths you didn’t know possible, a strength in one’s spirit that is at times supernaturally given, and a willingness to work harder than even they thought possible.


Looking forward to December 2 when our big girl will debut on that stage, I can only imagine how many tissues I’ll use as I cry tears of joy for all this signifies for her and all of the other children who thought they would never be able to speak much less sing in front of hundreds of people on a “big stage!”

TAKE THAT Speech Delay! You’ve got nothing on our GIRL!



Filed Under: cl/cp, speech delay, Wife of the Prez

The visit

October 25, 2012 by 12 Comments

I’ve had occasion to look at the photos from the day we visited Mimi’s orphanage. Due to a computer snafu, I hadn’t seen these pics for quite a while. I’m not sure where God is leading me in this little trip down memory lane. Certainly there is something to be learned by seeing them and remembering, but for me some of the images are so painful. Heck, much of the trip was painful. Yet… I would do it again in a heart beat. It was an amazing blessing.

We knew we would visit with Mimi’s foster parents. In her CWI, (Children’s Welfare Institute) many of the younger children live in the orphanage with foster parents in apartments. So we knew that we would be able to see Mimi’s foster mom and dad and more importantly she’d see them. I approached that day with a flexible attitude and lots of prayer. I prayed in the 3-hour van ride there to have the strength to “go with the flow” and do everything I could to help my daughter with yet another huge transition in 4 day’s time. Please God, help me show Your grace. Please help me give her peace. Let me know what to say and when to say it. Let me know how to help my daughter. When to step back. When to step in. When to be strong. I had heard from the many women who traveled this very road before us that this visiting of the orphanage was a good thing. A tool for transition and closure, and maybe it could be a pivot point for our daughter who just seemed to be grieving almost nonstop so far. On the other hand it seemed cruel to bring her back to the orphanage just to make her leave again. All over again. My heart broke to make her do it. But they said it was a good thing. A good difficult thing. So we went.

She was quiet on the way there. In hind sight, I think it was much more than that. She suddenly had diarrhea in the van. She hadn’t had it before then or since. In hind sight I wonder if she remembered the car ride 3 days earlier that took her from all she knew, and I wonder if her body was in knots with stress.

We got to the CWI and more than anything I just wanted her to have some peace during our visit. When the nanny swooped in, even before I got out of my seat in the van, I let Mimi go to her arms. I could see it all over Mimi’s face. Her body relaxed in the nanny’s arms. She had her peace. And for the following 2 hours, I let her have it. I let her stay safe with in the arms of her mama that had loved on her before me. Arms that knew far more about my daughter than I did. These wonderful generous arms gave her comfort and peace that I couldn’t.

We toured the orphanage. We were invited in to her foster family’s apartment (located in the CWI). We saw her bedroom and her crib, still with her blankets and her name and photo above the bed. We met her foster sisters. We saw the empty shelves for the toys that did not exist for these girls to play with. We witnessed the smiles and love that these wonderful foster parents shared with “their children” and the smiles and the love that the girls shared with them. I saw the way her foster mama held her and seemed to anticipate her needs before she even had them.

She changed her pants. She took her to the potty. She pulled up a sock and filled her hands with her favorite treats. And my girl was at peace.

Then it was time to go. The part I had been talking to God about the whole trip there. Foster mama held Mimi as we walked out to the lobby. This is where it would happen. Our guide stepped in. Our guide asked foster mama to tell Mimi that she loved her and would always remember her and that it was okay to go with her new mama. And foster mama leaned into Mimi’s ear and whispered to her. This woman was so amazing. She was giving me her child and she was going to give her everything she could right up till the very last moment. I don’t think if I would have had such composure. What does a 23 month old understand? I don’t know. Mimi’s body became tense. She leaned into her foster mama… away from me.

Our guide instructed the 3 of us, foster mama with Mimi, and me, to hug one another. We did. Mimi wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with being that close to me. But we hugged, and it was awkward.

I didn’t know what to do next. I ineptly stood there not knowing. The our guide instructed me to take Mimi {from her foster mama} and get into the van.

And I did.

I took my daughter from arms of this amazing woman that was able to give her love and peace.

And I got into the van.

I will not show you the pics of what happened next. Actually I was unaware there were any photos being taken, but one of my teens that was still snapping away. But these images are too much to share.

Our girl who had been filled with grief for days, then short-lived peace for just a few hours, was finally angry. Taken for a second time in 4 days from her “home” and foster family, everything in her was full of rage. Everything I had been fearing finally came out in those moments. The biting. The hitting. The screams. Nobody said anything. It was so in the open for all to see. For the next hour in the van, she raged until she finally collapsed asleep in my arms.

When she woke, as we were pulling up to the hotel, she was back to her quiet stoic self. Except for just a little lighter. In the days that would come, quickly, we’d see more of her heart. Her smiles came more easily, and we were privileged to see who our new daughter really was under all that grief. Was the orphanage visit a turning pint? I’m not sure, but it certainly marked a time that Mimi started allowing herself to open up, feel joy, and I think to be vulnerable again.

Six months later, we looked at the computer screen, and she saw the photos. She touched her little finger to the screen and touched her foster mother’s image. She looked at me with a smile on her face like she found a long lost friend. She pointed to her and said Granna. Then her finger moved to her foster father saying, Baba. She was happy to see them again. I was surprised she remembered them. We looked through the photos together. Mimi’s bed she pointed out. Then she looked up at me and pointed to her bed here at home. Mimi’s bed! And then pointed to my bed next to hers. Mama’s bed! Yes, sweet amazing strong girl. You now have a bed here too. And it’s right next to mine. In her heart I am her mama now, but there’s still definitely a happy place for her first family too. Love and good memories from both coexisting in the same little beautiful soul. I am blessed to have the opportunity to help her keep these sweet memories alive. As we flip through the photos, we come to the ones when she leaves her foster mama. I didn’t mean to go that far, but I did, and then she saw the photos of her anger and her tears.
Mimi sad. she says.
She gets it.
Yes, we were all very sad. Foster mama loved you very much. We were all sad to say goodbye.

And then there are the questions… Should we have gone back to visit the orphanage at all? Could we have orchestrated the final hand off differently? Was it okay to leave her with her foster mama while we looked around? Should I let her see the photographs? Is it okay for her to see the images of when she was “sad?” Should I have said something or done something differently? Do I need to do something more? Can I say something else to help her understand? I guess these are just more of the unanswered questions that are part of the journey of adoption. It’s full of lots of unanswered questions and no promises, except the one that if we fully surrender and follow where God leads then there is peace that we have done His will.

Much of the trip was painful. Yet… I would do it again in a heart beat.



Filed Under: clubfoot, developmental delays, Nancy, Uncategorized

what we’re reading: links

October 23, 2012 by Leave a Comment

From the last several weeks, some good stuff we’ve read that relates to adoption and/or parenting a special needs child.

As always, if you are a traveling family, or have posted something, or read something, that you’d like to share here on No Hands But Ours, please let us know at nohandsbutours@gmail.com.

In the news:

Somewhere In Between is a must-see movie for adoptive famililes. It profiles four Chinese teenage adoptees in contemporary America – Haley, Jenna, Ann, and Fang. From the synopsis: These four wise-beyond-their-years, yet typical American teens, reveal a heartbreaking sense of self-awareness as they attempt to answer the uniquely human question, “Who am I?”. Visit the website to see if this film is playing near you.

From EMK Press: Top Ten Tips for Successful First Year Parenting by Deborah Gray and Realistic Expectations – The First Year Home (a free download).

News about the Adoption Tax Credit! There are bills in both the House (HR 4373) and the Senate (S 3616) that would create an adoption tax credit that is inclusive, flat for the adoption of children with special needs, refundable and permanent. Ask your representative to co-sponsor HR 4373 and your senators to co-sponsor S 3616. Without an extension, the current adoption tax credit is set to expire December 31, 2012.

Blog World:

Jill, from Phebe Jayne, recently traveled to China to bring her daughter, Phebe Jayne, home from China. And during her time in China, she shares her thoughts on attachment in those first few days with her new daughter.

Tristan, mom to Mason who was born with Spina Bifida, set out to blog about 31 days of Spina Bifida Awareness during the month of October. Lots of wonderful information for anyone with a child with SB or considering this as a special need.

Ashley, from Under the Sycamore, recently returned from China with her new daughter. Ashley shares about her journey in becoming a mom to a child with a physical special need, and how she draws inspiration from her daughter to “just rock it”.

Alison, from Not Yet What We Shall Be, shares her thoughts on adoption, and the overwhelming orphan crisis, as she waits to bring her daughter home from China.

And our own Nicole posts about her daughter’s recent speech therapy evaluation.

Traveling Families:

In China now…

Following Our Leader – Mom Tara is bringing home her daughter Cora, who has a significant heart defect. Please stop by her blog to offer a prayer and some encouragement, Cora had a very serious episode on the in-China flight and Tara is worried about how Cora will do on the flight home.
All Aboard
Sandy Toes and Salty Kisses
Waiting for Ian

About to go to China…

The Journey to Our Daughter
And Then There Were Three

If you have something you’d like to share for a future What We’re Reading post, be sure to let us know via email – we’d love to feature your links or posts about life with your special needs child.



Filed Under: Stefanie, what we're reading

Let’s Talk Communication

October 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

One of the most common questions we are asked about the adoption of our older child is whether she spoke any English when we brought her home and/or how we’ve dealt with the language barrier.

There are many ways to communicate in those first days, weeks, and months. From playing charades (which didn’t work so well for us!) to utilizing Google’s translator website to working with a handheld electronic translator, we were able to ask Caroline questions, discuss plans, and cover the basics. But I’ll be honest. It was very difficult on some days because there was so much I wanted to communicate to our new daughter and yet I couldn’t. Many times, the conversations wouldn’t translate correctly. Or my words would lose their meaning when seen on the computer screen rather than with my tone and facial expressions.

However, the bottom line is that you can break through that language barrier early on and still bond with your child. Don’t fear the language challenge. You can conquer it.

Some of the best ways we found to help Caroline learn English were to:

  • label objects around the house
  • keep a notebook in which she could write new words to review
  • look through the Oxford Picture Dictionary (English/Chinese version)
  • invest in the Rosetta Stone computer tutoring program (you could try to borrow it from someone)
  • make flash cards and posters
  • read, read, read!

Obviously, there are countless other ways to learn a new language, and I know many of us would love to hear suggestions and ideas in the comments.

After being home 15 months, we find it fairly easy to converse with our teenager on a daily basis. Caroline enjoys coming to us to share experiences from her day at school or her thoughts on the latest book she has read. The dialogue between us seems so natural that it’s almost hard to remember the days when our verbal communication was so limited. One thing we have noticed, though, is that she has slowed down in her absorption and learning of new words. Honestly, I think she realized that she could get by with the vocabulary she’s already acquired. But I am also sure her brain often seems overwhelmed from the work of understanding a new language. We’ve realized that we need to continue being intentional about teaching Caroline words so that her “word bank” will continue to grow.

And one last thing… just to follow up on my August 17th post “Spread Your Wings But Don’t Fly Too Far…” I did end up driving Caroline to school that first morning. And as she walked into her new school, she looked back at me over her shoulder and smiled. And while I expected her to begin acting even more independent, she has actually been opening up to me more than ever before. It looks like my chick decided to camp out in the nest for awhile, and I’m savoring every minute!



Filed Under: Kelley, older child adoption

Out of the Sketch Pads of Babes

October 8, 2012 by 1 Comment

This is the night we’ve waited for!
KICK!
Always a treat we have in store
KICK!
We love each other more and more…
KICK
With every family night….

I’ll spare you the rest.

My teenagers would turn 10 shades of red if you happened to look into our windows on a Sunday night and see us in a circle, holding hands, singing and kicking. The song signifies the start of our weekly Family Home Evening, something encouraged by our church for decades as a time to discuss gospel principles and enjoy family togetherness. The song and dance are certainly not part of any advised curriculum, but a tradition started in my husband’s home when he was just a boy.

With the arrival of each of our children from afar, it’s been with great joy that we’ve added them to the family circle……both literally and figuratively. Along with all of the things that need to be taught to a new child, the one we have found most rewarding is the fact that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them. A Heavenly Father who has always loved them.

Last week for Family Home Evening, our youngest daughter, our sweet Cholita, had the assignment of lesson. She’s had that assignment many, many times before, but this time she wanted to do it completely by herself. She chose her topic early in the day and hid herself away in her room, preparing her lesson. When Family Home Evening started, she hung up a picture she’d drawn to contribute to the atmosphere.

“But,” she shyly said while pointing to her drawing, “I’m not sure if this is REALLY what He looks like.” We assured her that artists have struggled with that same problem for centuries.

She went on to give her lesson on God’s love for us and how He wants us to love one another. It was a wonderfully pure, sweet lesson and I will always treasure her darling picture. Not only did I notice that there are truly no hands but ours, but I feel quite confident that she got His smile just right!


Filed Under: Eileen, HepB+

Between a Fork and a Chopstick

October 5, 2012 by 21 Comments

That’s where I find myself.
Between a fork and a chopstick.
And that’s where I come to you today asking for some momma advice.

I love the way these boys eat.
ok in truth….I could do without the slurping…..gag
but other than that I have no problem with it.

But here’s where I am stuck…
will other people have a problem with it?
I’m starting to notice that that is becoming the case.

Kids are starting to make comments at school….Boo. Hiss. Not cool.

Will their future spouses mind?
Reason for divorce?
Well your honor, he won’t get his head out of his plate.

Co-workers?
Friends?

Should I enforce a when in Rome type of eating philosophy and allow only “western” style table manners?
Or let them be who they are and celebrate that.
Which frankly,
hello
works for me.
There are bigger fish to fry if you ask me.

Nonetheless I can’t shake the feeling that perhaps not changing these habits to more fit in with the norm isn’t doing them any favors.

On the off chance you are totally unfamiliar with what the heck I am talking about,
Allow me to give you a quick overview of Eating in the East in 3 easy steps.

Step 1:
Squat.

Always squat.
Don’t sit.
Even if you have a chair,
squat on the chair.

Step 2:
Do not bring your fork/chopstick to your mouth, bring your mouth to your plate.

Or over-correct the other direction.


Up to you.

When you do this,
this is the view the people eating with you will have of you at the table.

 So Joshua, how was your day? “mmphgoerioejohal”

Step 3:
Slurp.
Slurp loudly.
Cereal, soup, sandwich, doesn’t matter.
Just slurp.
Couple this with one cleft kiddo and all of the smacking and picking and work to get food removed from all of the hardware and crevices in your mouth every few bites and it’s a wonder we can have any conversation at dinner over all that noise.

This whole process intrigues me.
It downright fascinates me.

So what to do.
What to do.

Let em be, or “Americanize” them in the ways of us.
Advice?
Bring it.



Filed Under: heart defect, older child adoption, Sonia

Celebrating differences

October 2, 2012 by 4 Comments

I posted a few weeks back on my personal blog about my son’s giving heart and how he helped his sister buy a doll at Target. What I didn’t mention in that post was that the doll is not an ordinary baby doll. Angel saw it months back and was instantly attracted to it. Despite the multiple dolls she already has, she knew that this one had to be hers because it’s different. She is beautiful and adorned with colorful clothing and pretty jewelry. She has henna tattoos, long dark hair and gorgeous dark skin. Her name is Nahji and she is Indian … and just as pretty as can be. She is one of Angel’s most-favorite dolls. Angel likes to take her everywhere we go. She has also become totally intrigued with Indian culture and wants to know as much about India as she can. She wants to visit India. She even told me at one point that she wished she was Indian.

I think of this story as a metaphor for her feelings about people. It so clearly shows that Angel doesn’t see differences in people as a bad thing. She sees people as people, and loves that God creates all of us differently. To her, differences are beautiful and natural, just as God intended them be. Instead of wanting a doll that looks like her, Angel happily celebrates Nahji’s physical differences and her Indian heritage.

I can’t help but wonder how much international adoption has played a role in the development of her feelings. I’m sure that she would feel this way regardless, but I truly believe that her heart has been opened to the beauty of our differences even more because we have welcomed Chinese culture into our family through adoption. Although adoption is hard, it has had such a positive impact on our family in so many ways … ways I didn’t know would be impacted. I am proud to be a multiracial family and love watching my children grow in their celebration of all God’s people.

(If you are interested in snagging a doll like Nahji for your daughter, please visit the Hearts 4 Hearts website and browse through the dolls they have available from several different countries. A portion of the doll purchases are donated to World Vision to help girls in the countries that the dolls represent.)



Filed Under: Nicole C.

village to village

October 2, 2012 by Leave a Comment

If you are in the process of adopting or have already adopted, I encourage you to check out Village to Village. Village to Village is a 501(c)(3) that offers fundraising for adopting families – up to $10,000 – without a laundry list of requirements.

And they also offer a way for everyone to get involved in supporting adopting families. Village to Village is looking for 1000 people to donate $10/month. Just $10 a month, y’all. That’s less than a trip through the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. If they are able to garner this sort of support, just imagine all they could do to help bring orphans home into loving forever families.

Mission statement: Village to Village Int’l exists to bring hope to the global orphan crisis by caring and advocating for orphans and providing financial solutions for adoptions.

Find Village to Village: facebook :: website :: twitter



Filed Under: affording adoption, fundraisers

Keeping the Past in the Present

September 27, 2012 by 5 Comments

“It is kind of almost like a pseudo-open adoption,” the adoption professional said to me as I shared with her about our reunion with our 12-year-old son’s foster family.

Absence may not have made their hearts grow stronger—I don’t think the love could be much stronger than it already was—but absence definitely made the hearts long for each other.

From June 22, 2010.

To February 2, 2012.

590 days.

The moment they saw each other again for the first time in more than a year and a half, our 12-year-old son and his foster Mama RAN to one another.

It was more surreal than I even imagined it would be. If a movie crew had been there, they would have wanted to hear the story behind the moment.

The relationship between our son and this woman on the other side of the world is complex and maybe complicated I suppose. But to us, she is simply “China Mama” and to him she was simply “Mama” for many years. He has chosen to clarify now that she is “China Mama” though we would be comfortable with simply “Mama.”

The adoption professional to whom I spoke wondered aloud if this relationship has most likely been a positive aspect of his adoption. I think without a doubt it has. The research is out there on open adoptions and the benefits FAR outweighing any drawbacks, if one can even call it that. And this relationship and openness is about as open as an adoption from China can be.

Just recently we received communication in the form of Chinese characters and Chinglish. And I knew. China Mama was checking in with us. I love receiving communication from her, and so does our son. As he relayed his message back to her, our oldest daughter wanted to send a message too. How sweet is that?

An added and perhaps unexpected benefit to this pseudo-open adoption has provided grounding for our older daughter, for whom we have very little information from her past. No adults to cling to as belonging to … no stories from memory … not much at all until we took her back to China and she too met China Mama, who fussed over her like she was her own. For that matter, she fussed over all five of our children at the time, and I’ve no doubt she would have loved to wrap her arms around our waiting daughter (at the time) in Guizhou.

China Mama just has that touch. She is a Mama who could mother anyone I think. She loves children to love. Simple as that. And though the relationship might seem quite complex, we choose to simply be thankful our son had this Mama in China to love him until we could come bring him home.



Filed Under: heart defect, older child adoption, Wife of the Prez