What loss looks like four decades later

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When I was two years old… …my mom left. When Tess and Jude were 12 months old, they were taken from the only home they knew. When Mimi was 23 months old, she was taken from the only mama she knew. So how do we process not being chosen? I don’t remember any of those […]

A letter to my {pre-adoption} self

Dear Nancy (in 2007) I know you’ve just started to seriously consider adopting a child. I know that the thought of adopting has been on your mind not just years, but since you were a little girl and heard about the abandoned baby girls in China and saw videos of the Romanian orphanages. So I […]

BABY STEPS

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It was 9 am, and I was still in my jammies. Everything seemed stable, everyone fed, playing nicely, so I stole a moment to get dressed and splash my face with water… or at least I tried to. Mid-pulling up my pants I heard the shrieking. Tess’s shriek is unmistakable. It’s a guttural wounding, and […]

Our early intervention

Betsy

Our girly qualified for Early Intervention services. Our sweet lovely amazing daughter is delayed. I don’t want it to be that way. But it is. And it’s no surprise either. We went into international adoption with our eyes wide open, preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Her delays were completely expected. There’s […]

Attachment in the Trenches

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When we were in China, we traveled with several other families. In our travel group, I don’t think I’m exaggerating by saying that we had “the crier.” Unlike the other happy, giggly children in the group who were quick to return their parent’s smile, our sweetie was unhappy much of the time. Despite our efforts, […]

Re-entry

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In the middle of the night, between the screeching and the pinching and the hitting… …the sweetest moments happen. Since coming home, Mazie and I have been awake 4-6 hours every night with only 1 exception. In the middle of the night while we sit on the couch, without knowing it, my head falls backwards, […]

March 8, Thursday: {the orphanage visit}

March 8

There is so so much to say. I am emotionally drained and still trying to find my peace. Today was the visit to the orphanage. 3+ hours one way. So many feelings and bits of new information, and a better understanding of our girl. My head is swimming trying to process it all. Initially I […]

March 7, Wednesday: {grief}

March 6-6

If the posts recently have been hard to read, you may want to skip this one. I put it out there for those who might be in our shoes next. Our girl is grieving so hard. I mean very hard. So much harder than Tess or Jude ever did. Harder than the other babies in […]

Monday, March 5: {beginnings}

March 5-8

There was rain and then a traffic jam, and by the time the babies reached the hotel they were two hours past due. They brought Mazie directly to our`room because they were so late, and I was glad for this. On top of the trauma of being passed to us, she was overly tired, very […]

The Labor of Adoption

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My head is absolutely full. Overflowing. T-2 1/2 days. Really, could I be leaving for China that soon? Oh yes you can. I wake up each morning, look out on the floor, and wonder who in the world spilled my brains out all over the carpet. Now how did those get there? I told myself […]