I not be fraid~

February 1, 2012 heart defect, hypospadias, Kam, Urogenital System 0 Comments

Happy February everyone! I for one can’t believe how fast time is moving. I’m sure it’s about to slow to a snail’s pace for my family though as we have just submitted our LOI for a new son this week. The wait has officially begun again. 🙂

Many of you know that we lost our son, Seth, in November in Kunming. We recently learned that he died from complications to his open heart surgery. I wrote in detail about it on our family blog, so I won’t go into here, but it has just been a wonderful piece of closure for us. We’ve learned so much. We’ve grown so much.

I remember decorating our Christmas tree the week after Seth died, something that is never a chore for me because I love it so, and this year just feeling so sad. And frustrated. And if I’m honest, mad. We had only loved him for four months. But goodness, he was part of us. Already grafted into our hearts.
I’m hanging ornaments and our five year old son, Joel, out of the blue asks me…
“Why my baby bruh-wer die, mama? Why my Seff in Heaven?”

{our beautiful Thai Tornado}

I put down the ornaments in my hand, loved on him and answered him the best I could. And then I looked to Jason, my rock and the love of my life, with a question of my own.
“Will we do this again, babe? Will we find another little boy?”
“I’m sure we will. We will just pray, babe.”
“Will we bring home a heart baby?”
“I can’t think of any reason why we shouldn’t.”

He was right, ya know. We are doing this again. We have found another son. We have chosen a heart baby. Not in the same way that Seth was a heart baby. Seth’s condition was more grave. We knew that going in. Still, I really believed he was coming home. And the rug was pulled out from under my feet and I felt myself come crashing down with no rug to soften the blow. That’s just how I felt though. It wasn’t the truth.
Because God was {and is!} rich in mercy. And we have peace. And closure. And a new son to sing over! A son with congenital heart defects that need fixing. But ones that are probably not going to take his life before we get there. Still, my breath catches as I write that. Because we are just beginning to feel the rug has been placed snuggly under our feet again.
This little guy is 11 months old {Eeeeek!} and his precious heart has two defects {PDA and PFO}, his left heart is enlarged, his main pulmonary artery is enlarged. He has some pretty severe urogenital issues as well. All of which, we stand ready and willing to deal with and make better as best we can.
I’m a part time photographer and was sitting at my desk doing some work for a client last week. The rain was falling again {we had a very wet January!} but it wasn’t storming. The only sounds I heard were a steady rain and Joel building his latest roller coaster out of wooden train tracks in the floor in front of my desk. All of a sudden, a roar of thunder rocked our house. In a blink, literally .7 seconds, Joel was all over me. Grasping my arm, head buried in my chest.
“What that noise, mama?”
“It was just thunder baby. It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”
“I no wike funder, mama.”
“I know, baby. It’s okay to be afraid. But you don’t have to be. I’ve got you.”
“My new baby bruh-wer be fraid of funder, mama?
“Yes. I’m sure he will be.”
“I take care him, mama. I help him not be fraid.”
“That’s so sweet of you, Joel. I’m sure he’ll be so happy to have a big brother like you.”

“I take care him, mama. I teach him sing, ‘God wuvs me, I NOT be fraid, not be fraid, not be fraid! God wuvs me, I NOT be fraid, not be fraid anymore!’ “

I have never heard Joel sing this song. I have no idea who taught it to him. But he was the mouth of God for me in that moment. I had so many doubts about stepping forward for another heart baby…though I knew that God had called us to that road. And I knew that this sweet boy’s heart was less severe than Seth’s. But fear overtook me many days leading up to our decision. I was scared that we may be too old to parent a child this young again! Yet, God put those fears to rest as well.
I told our case worker last week, it feels like we are on the edge of a cliff. Our toes are pointed over the air and our heels are firmly planted to the safe, hard ground. Behind us is all that is comfortable and careful and easy. Jumping off is hard and tiring and burdensome. But I know that I can’t trust my feelings. They will lead me astray many times. I felt that my world was crashing down before, I felt that the rug wasn’t there to catch my fall. It wasn’t true at all. He held my world, He caught my fall. And this Truth will sustain us. God loves us. And we’ll “not be fraid.”

Today and everyday, that’s more than enough.

{I love that our Joel knows in whom he can trust!}

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