A letter to her first mother

May 29, 2012 cl/cp, Nicole 3 Comments

To her first mother:

You are one of the most important people in my life, and I have never met you. You live somewhere halfway across the world, in a Chinese city called Fuzhou. You are our daughter’s first mother. You carried her under your heart for a precious 9 months, gave birth to her, and then made a difficult decision. And although you couldn’t raise her yourself, I know that you loved her in an unbelievable way because you selflessly chose LIFE. You chose to make her a blessing to another mother, even though it was surely a devastating and unsettling decision to make.

I am that mother, and I want you to know that I think of you often. I think about you when I rock her to sleep at night. As I sing her favorite song to her, I cannot help but mourn your losses as a mother to her. I look at her birth mark and her belly button, and am reminded of the short time she was able to spend with you. When I look into her eyes, I wonder how much they look like yours and I regret that you can’t see the light in them. When I see she has grown another inch, I wonder if her first father is tall. When I see her smile and laugh, my heart hurts that you cannot see her happiness and beauty. I’m sad that you haven’t been able to witness the graceful way she has handled every situation thrown at her. I hurt for the experiences you have already missed, and all of the experiences in the future that you won’t be a part of.

While we celebrate Mother’s Day here in the U.S. this month, I want you to be at peace. I want you to know that our daughter is most definitely a blessing to me. She is also an amazing blessing to her Daddy, her sister, her brother, and all of her family. She is joyful and happy. She rarely stops smiling and she lights up every room she walks into. She is loving and affectionate. She is strong and courageous. She is so very graceful and brave. She is smart and clever. She is funny and silly and feisty. She has a beautiful spirit and has completely stolen my heart. She is so loved and has been well-cared for her whole life, including the year she spent with her foster family in Fuzhou.

When she is old enough to ask about you, I will tell her that you loved her. Although I do not know the circumstances of her birth, I will tell her you made the best decision you could at the time. I will tell her that neither one of us are less her mother than the other. We are both equally mothers to her in different ways. I will pray for you with her … for peace as her first mother, that you know our daughter is loved, healthy, happy, and well-cared for. We will pray that you know God’s love as we do, and that if we do not meet each other in this life, that we will see each other in Heaven.

Many blessings and so much love,

3 responses to “A letter to her first mother”

  1. Kam says:

    Beautifully said. It’s such a difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around. And at the end of the day, their losses are gains for us.

    You’re doing a good job, mama. 🙂

  2. Kristi says:

    Oh Nicole,
    This is so, so much what I long to be able to say to the birth mothers of my children. Thank you for expressing your (and so many of ours too) heart!

  3. Nicole says:


    My name is Nicole, and I have a son we just brought home 3 months ago from Fuzhou. And I say and pray the same thoughts, willing them to find the heart of my son’s birth mother. He is amazing, a gift, and I so mourn that she and he do not get to share that together, and that somehow I lucked into this amazing wonderfulness that is being mom to my (first) child.

    Thank you for sharing.

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