I had a plan

May 1, 2014 hypospadias, Kam 1 Comments

I have a personal problem. You know, one of those personality deficiencies that are just part of your makeup, part of who you are? This particular problem, though I’d still contest is a strength for the average Joe, pops up during the most inopportune times and throws me for a loop.

I’m a planner.

I married a perfectionist {albeit adorable and Godly and generous} planner.

I birthed a cutie patootie planner fourteen years ago.

You can see where this is going, yes? Plans are GOOD {said the nut job mama who likes to plan} and walking by faith is HARD {said the same nut job}.

The thing is, I/we plan like mad. We pray. We seek. We run numbers. We take notes {both mentally and for real!}. We research. And then we JUMP! It’s no surprise, this planning blows up in my face more times than I care to admit.

Take three years ago, for example, when we saved and bought a used Honda van because our ever growing family wouldn’t fit in our vehicle. Yeah, I had a plan to drive the wheels off of that dependable Honda. It was lovely {for a van, come on} and it was paid for and it fit us well.

Ooooh, I had a plan for that van.

And I had a plan to save enough money for next year’s entire school tuition {we private school 2 days/homeschool 3 days} before this summer ends. It was lofty. But hey, I had a plan. We were rocking and rolling with that plan.

Until the septic system needed major servicing {sorry for that visual} and the hot water heater, you guessed it…and yes, even our beloved “Hondassey” decided to leave hubby and our pastor stranded on the side of the interstate, in another state, at 10pm one night a couple of weeks ago.

Dead. That Honda, the vehicle that was supposed to outlive us all, was sporting an irreparable engine with no warning. It would cost more money than we had any hope of making to make it usable again.

And so, what about that plan? My great plan that would lead to financial responsibility and easy living next year?

It was superseded by His plan. His BETTER plan. Where He is glorified and I am walking humbly. Not in the dark, but where the path is lit right in front of me only. The one where He leads and we follow rather than doing it all ourselves, in our own power. The plan where you can’t even see the unbelievable blessing that awaits until you’re on the other side of it.

Adoption is no different.

Special needs adoption is especially no different. I wanted to provide the funds for our fourth child by working hard {and I did work hard}…but His plan was to use others way more than using my own abilities or talents. My plan was to bring home a little boy with extensive urological needs {among a few others and some pretty big unknowns} but ones that, God willing, could be corrected in a couple of surgeries. My plan was for him to not endure things head on and boldly as a toddler that grown men would weep and wail over had they endured them instead. My plan was to meet the insurance deductible and complete the needed surgeries {1 cardiac, 2 urological} in a single year. Ba-Bam. Done.

Can I just say, my plan stunk? It wreaked of self-sufficiency and selfishness. It had SELF written all over it.

Oh, y’all. I’ve learned this lesson so many times in my life. You’d think that I’d be done learning it. I’m stubborn and hard headed and so far from where I should be. Walking by faith is exponentially harder on many levels…but simplistically easier on most others.

It’s easier to let Him carry the weight and the burden. I’ve said before, I tend to gravitate toward “easy and light” way more than “hard and heavy” anyway.

Some of you are planning how to fund your adoption.

Some of your are making a plan to decide which needs you can feasibly consider or which agency to partner with.

Others are planning upcoming surgeries and appointments and therapies for children who are home.

Still others are just now making plans on how to even broach the subject of special needs adoption with their spouse.

I still believe planning is good. Even necessary to a degree. But letting go of unrealistic expectations while yielding to a plan higher and better is always the best option. I’m not at all comparing adoption to buying a van. Or the heartbreak that adopting can bring to the loss of a vehicle that you wanted to keep driving. Let me encourage you by saying that there’s a whole lot of grace to be found in the letting go. Except for the pain and suffering of 7 surgeries over a 14 month period, I wouldn’t change a detail about the road we’ve walked with our Gabe. Not one.

Easter '14-7423 copy

And just for kicks and giggles, I have to say, I’m freakishly in love with that new {to us} van sitting in my garage right now.

One response to “I had a plan”

  1. Kam, I love this. I love the beautiful work the Lord is doing in you and through you. And, I LOVE seeing pics of that sweet boy of yours. I’m with you. No idea why I keep leaning hard back on self, over and over again. This is a beautiful reminder.

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