Dear Younger Me,
You were wrong about many things, and I am oh so very glad you were.
You got married and designed a life plan. It was a dreamy projection, and you believed you had control of how it all would go. You had a timeline, a number of kids in mind, visions of a dream home, and you never imagined anything beyond comfort, health, joy, and a magically easy, Saturday morning snuggles kind of parenting.
You thought you were the author of your story, and that some praying would help make it happen.
Somewhere along the road, the seed of adoption was planted in your heart, but you decided that you’d wait for “clear signs” and “open doors” before saying yes.
You wanted to wait until the time was right, until the ducks of your life were in a row: your house, your marriage, your finances, your biological baby. You thought it all had to be in perfect order for the child who waited on the other side of the globe.
You thought timing was everything.
When you finally penned your signature on the application, you thought you understood adoption.
You thought you needed to play it safe on the special needs checklist. (Healthiest and youngest child possible, please.)
You thought you knew what YOU could handle, because you’d not yet had to live beyond yourself.
You thought you could adopt and stay within your comfort zone.
You thought adoption would be tidy and romantic. You were trained for possible hard outcomes, but you still believed it would be easy for your family. You were the author of the plan after all.
You thought you possessed the ability to heal little hearts rocked by trauma.
You thought you knew who you were, who your husband was, who God was.
You thought you knew how it all would play out. But you were wrong, weren’t you, girl?
Your plans were made with all the wisdom and life experience you had at the time. The world felt like it was yours and you were giddy with anticipation. How the Author of Our Stories must have smiled down upon you, imagining the chapters not yet written. The unfolding was to be hard and good, and so very much more than you planned.
You couldn’t have known how a dossier would change your course. You were wrong about how it would go. The ride was crazier, bumpier, deeper. The timing was off, the wait longer, the obstacles bigger, your child’s needs more profound, the hurt deeper, the love wider, the adventure more grand. There were more giggles, more hospital visits, more love, and more stretching than what you had mapped out. It was altogether better, but you had to wait, you had to hurt, you had to fall on your knees, confused and shaken.
While on your knees, as time passed, you slowly laid down “the plan”, and then realized that your life, your home, your heart could hold more than you thought it could. You felt the beauty of letting yourself be small before a big God. You said yes to more complex needs, to more kids, to more unknowns. You stopped waiting on the sidelines for “signs and open doors” and started taking risks when God whispered a calling. You were given more than you asked for. More was asked of you.
Nothing is how you planned or imagined. The Creator of families got extra creative. He exploded your heart and wrote a grand story with your family. It’s been hard, messy, and far outside your presumed trajectory, but today there are little souls around the breakfast table that you didn’t plan for. Today your faith is bigger and your heart enlarged.
So, I am so glad you were wrong.
You now know the wonder, freedom and release of living out on the edge of comfort with the Author of all stories. Most incredible is that there is unfolding yet to come for this family, more chapters to be written. I can’t even fathom what is planned for us, and I trust it is better that way.
Beautifully penned. What a story, what a you, what a God