I just recently entered the world of adoptive family forums and Facebook groups and am amazed at the number and the commitment of adoptive parents who would do anything to protect, and give the best life possible to their children. As an adult adoptee from China, I’ve “met” parents who have shared their stories with me and asked questions for an adoptee’s perspective. I am not qualified to be giving advice to anyone but I can say that I grew up, like so many of your children, with all of the joys, struggles and difficulties, complexities, and questions of an adopted child.
You already know that every child is different; some with more or less trauma, some older, some younger when they are adopted, with varying degrees of abilities and disabilities. What do we all have in common? We have parents who loved us to the extent that they sought us and traveled to the ends of the earth to bring us home. The tender care and loving concern only begins there. Adoptive parents think of all of the unique questions and possibilities involved with raising adopted children. What is the best thing that I can do for my adopted child? The worst? Should we adopt more? How can we integrate culture, language, etc? What if my child is bullied? What should I do regarding my child’s biological family? The questions go on.
Now that I’m older, married, and hoping for children of my own, adopted or biological, I’ve given some more thought to these sorts of questions. My circumstance is rather simple when compared with other adoptees. I was adopted at 9 months old, in 1993 from Wuhan, China to an American couple living in Cleveland, Ohio. I was a healthy (chunky) baby who lived with a foster family, and then in an orphanage. My voice is only one among many.
So what are the most common questions that I get from adoptive parents, specifically those who have adopted or hope to adopt from China?
Q: When did you know or learn that you were adopted? How did being adopted affect the parent-child bond that you had?
Two separate, but related questions. My only memory of parents is with my adoptive parents, as I was a baby when I was adopted. Being adopted was never a secret for two reasons; first, I didn’t look like my adoptive parents, and second, my parents took care to integrate our Chinese culture in our lives very early on.
As a baby, I connected with my parents very quickly, recognizing them as Mom and Dad within the first week of my adoption. (This, I know, can be different for children who are adopted when they are older). My parent’s love and discipline alike were just the same as what I saw in my friend’s families. I never felt as if my parents weren’t my “real” parents, not in the biological sense but with regard to the time, effort, and unconditional love that all parents give.
Q: What did your parents do to preserve your language and culture?
While I had no speech abilities when I was adopted at 9 months old, my parents did enroll me in a Saturday school for Chinese language and culture education when I was 5 years old. I was surrounded by other Chinese children, both adopted and biological, many second-generation children. We learned reading and writing in the classroom as well as song and dance as an after school activity. My one criticism of the program is that more interaction with the already proficient Chinese-speaking students may have boosted the language abilities of students who had no home exposure, like myself.
When I reached high school and took lessons there. Though I’ve forgotten some of my Chinese language, as it is hard to learn a language when you are not immersed in it, the early expose predisposed me to furthering my education now and in the future.
A recommendation for parents who would like to preserve their child’s language is to regularly expose them to native or fluent speakers. Another suggestion is to find an immersion camp, if your child is willing and interested in attending.
Regarding culture, my parents bought educational Chinese books and movies, which they read or watched with us. They celebrated Chinese holidays such as Chinese New Year and the Moon Festival. We had Chinese dresses and every Mulan product that my mother could find. However, the biggest impact in my (embracing, ownership) of the Chinese culture was the time that my parents spent teaching and learning with me.
Later, my parents encouraged and supported my trips back to China to experience China for myself.
Q: Did you ever deal with any racism or bullying because you were Chinese or because of the way you looked?
I was actually bullied intensely in school on a few occasions; once when I was younger (in 5th grade) and again in high school. In 5th grade, I sat at an all boy’s table in Art class. One particularly troubled boy liked to talk about my skin and hair color and mistook me for being African American. He relentlessly made inappropriate comments and jokes to the other boys about me. In high school, another teenage boy liked to use very hurtful racial slurs when talking to me and about me to other people. This went on for far too long. Finally, a friend helped me to work up the courage to approach my guidance counselor about the issue. The boy was suspended for a few days, and returned to school.
However, the fall out of social exile by our mutual friends (who took his side) and spreading rumors about the situation were very difficult in the weeks to come. As a caution to parents; if your child is ever bullied (and I hope they are not), there may be follow-up counseling and/or intervention needed.
In the 5th grade, I did not tell my parents because I was afraid that they would approach my principal or guidance counselor. In retrospect, I wish that I had told them. I learned from the experience and told my parents the second time. If your child is being bullied, they may be hesitant to tell you. A piece of advice is to talk with your children about bullying and tell them that they don’t have to be afraid to tell you if they are being bullied for any reason.
Q: Do you have siblings, adopted or biological and did they change the way you saw yourself as an adoptee?
I have one sister who was also adopted from China, though not biological to me. She is my best friend and one of the greatest gift that my parents could have given to me. (Even though at the time when they brought her home, I was not happy for having been “dethroned”.) It was helpful to have someone who looked more like I did and also comforting to know that my sister may have had the same feelings and questions about being adopted as I did. I learned that biology means so much less than the nurture and love of family who loves you unconditionally.
Q: What can adoptive parents do to let them know that it is okay to approach them with feelings about their biological family?
My parents talked with me ever since I was a little girl about my birth parents, specifically my birth mother because we had small insights about her. They encouraged me to pray for them. Additionally, when I was older, they shared with me that they would not be hurt or upset if I had thoughts and feelings about my birth parents or even if I hoped to find them one day.
These are just some of the common questions that adoptive parents ask. For answers to more questions, please visit my blog and click on the FAQ tab.
It has been my joy “meeting” and talking with adoptive parents from all over. Adoption, though not simple, creates truly beautiful families and teaches us how to live and love fully.
Molly Schmiesing was adopted from Wuhan, China when she was 9 months old by an American couple from Cleveland, Ohio. She am currently living in Bei Jing with her husband Michael. You can read more on her blog, Finding China.
LOVE your post! As a parent to soon to be 5 kids…2 biological, and 2 from China adoption and 1 more from China in a month…AND as a woman who myself is half-adopted…raised by my biological Mom and adopted by her husband, my Dad as an infant…I have lots of history in so many areas. I grew up feeling both connected and different and had so many questions about my biological family and Dad. I did eventually reach out to him and was completely rejected. It was so hard, but a few years later my adoptive Dad died when I was 25. Suddenly, I had all the information I needed to know. I wanted desperately for my biological Dad to want me as I desperately now had no Father. Then it dawned on me, that MY Dad was gone and no man could ever take his place. It took many more years for me to come to a place of understanding and peace. I now can see all the pieces of my life and how valuable ALL of it is…I have many Fathers now…A Dad who adopted me, A biological Father who brought me into the world-both of these men are now with Jesus..and a Step-Father who came into my life at age 4-who is still alive at 80 and very much a huge part of my life and my kids lives and also a Father In Law. All these men have in some way shaped my life. I have learned biology and adoption is everything and then not. Somehow all these facets mixed together to form ME. I have ALL of it to draw upon. As a 44 year old Woman and Mom, I can now see how MY story ” fits”…and I feel complete in WHO I am. I have lots of information, some information and even no information in some areas of my life. BUT..I have come to realize MY story, all if it is MY story!!! I can honestly look back and not imagine my life any other way. I was SO loved by both my parents and feel so blessed to be able to help my kids nativigate their identities, culture and biology as they grow up. I feel prepared to walk this confusing road with them and because of MY story, I hope to help them find and see THEIR story. And how Together we will have a US story too. Adoption and biological to me are are valuable ways to build a family and I love both! And yes..YOU are going to make an amazing Mother to any kids you adopt or have. The insight you have is going to be such a blessing. I love that you are openly talking about your life, and know that your words will bless all that read what you have to say. So, Thank you! So excited to for you that you get to go back to your homeland and experience all the wonderful things China. I look forward to hearing more from you. Blessings on your journey and again, thanks for sharing!! 🙂