I started out this new year of 2017 by sitting down with my kids and filling out a form for goals and ideas for goals. A small part was, “What Makes You Happy.” I watched my kids fly through and write down at least twenty things. I struggled to write down more than five. Like really struggled. I used their examples to get that far.
And I realized a lot about me in that time frame. It has been years since I did anything just because it made me feel alive or happy. Happiness was not even on the radar.
It’s not that I have been sitting here hating on life or in deep depression. I just was surviving each and every day, putting one foot in front of the other, heading to doctor’s appointments and IEPs. I was holding screaming, traumatized children and in the process enduring my own new trauma. I didn’t think of happiness. I just wanted to control the situations and keep on keeping on.
I had doctors watch me holding writhing children and ask if I was okay and the question always stopped me. Of course I’m okay. This is normal. At least, this is my normal. One doctor even patted my arm and told me I needed to invest in earplugs to protect my hearing. He was dead serious. I showed him my stash in my purse. See? So normal to me.
This may or may not resonate with a lot of you. I’m really not sure. But as I evaluated whether or not to keep blogging I had to consider what I could even write about now. I’m not adopting. We’ve been home long enough for this to become our normal. It’s still hard but it’s normal to us. No new revelations to share.
But then I thought, just maybe a few readers are in my position. Done but trying to figure this out now.
Normalized life but trying to find me again.
I knew I would lose myself in this journey. But I don’t think I foresaw the day when I couldn’t even tell you what I enjoy doing. But when you pour yourself out day in and day out and your entire focus is on another human being for years and years you find yourself different than before and unsure of yourself. And I felt selfish for stopping to consider myself. Right? Doesn’t that sound selfish?
But I stopped and prayed and you know what realization I came to? God sees me. I am one of those children that He desperately cares for and He has been carrying me for years. He wants me to be okay too. He wants me to move beyond the trauma and remember who I am.
He is proud of the creation that I am, the quirks He gave me, the passions He breathed into my soul. And He isn’t done with me yet. He still has plans for me. He needs me to exit survival mode right now.
Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring? Trials don’t give us warnings. In the back of my mind I wonder if this is the calm before the next storm. I’m so used to storms that I think I am just waiting for the next one to begin but I have decided to stop waiting. I’m going to rest, really, truly and deeply rest my soul. I’m going to let my soul be happy and find joy.
So, I’m not adopting. I’ve spent my entire life waiting to adopt and at 35 I have accomplished my life goal. Now what? I don’t know. But I’m going to have fun figuring it out.
This year I have a goal of finding me. Find out who I am after the fire, after the trauma has become normal.
Who am I? I love:
Sparkles
Laughter
Running
People’s stories
Flowers
Colorful hair
Warm but not hot days and being outside to soak it in
Worms (truly!)
Dirt in my fingernails
Traveling
Asia, Asia, Asia – my heart still beats for Asia
What do you love? Who are you when you aren’t head down in survival mode? Can you list five things?
Loved this Katie!! I often have a hard time remembering the things I enjoy anymore too.
Oh Katie! You are beautiful inside and out and I love you! What wonderful insight I wish Inwoukd have read a year ago, but I am thankful to live this journey knowing I’m not alone!
You took the words from the heart. Thank you for sharing.
I so get this. After 7 years of intense struggle dealing with trauma from 2 precious children, I had no idea what I enjoyed doing. I started thinking about few weeks ago.
Running
Strand lights at night (year round)
Drawing
Dancing
Laughing with friends
Those are the first 5 I could think of. It’s hard to have time for yourself when there are so many fires to put out and all that’s left at the end of the day is your dish rag self. But during those seasons of reprise, we can sneak in those things we love. Love your heart!
Wow!! You wrote this for me!!! I don’t even remember what I like to do. I need sleep on this.
This is beautiful. Thanks for the vulnerability.