Recently I came across a very simple, yet thought-provoking question online…
“What is the saddest thing you’ve ever seen?”
I paused and thought for a moment. A few things came to mind that I had seen on the news, but one of the saddest things that I have seen first hand was a Gotcha Day in China. It was most certainly a happy day as well, but the kind of sadness and loss that went into that day for so many people is something I have yet to see elsewhere.
In April 2017, my dad and I traveled to Zhengzhou, China to adopt my brother, Caleb. Before we left, many people had told me how it would be a very hard day for the kids, and that it would be a great experience for me to see what a Gotcha Day is really like. I didn’t think too much of these things at the time. I assumed that I knew what it would be like. After all, I had seen videos of my brother, Joshua’s, Gotcha Day.
It wasn’t until I was in the room, witnessing the authentic, un-romanticized version of Gotcha Day that I truly began to understand the heartbreak that goes into this day.
My dad took care of all of the logistics and paperwork of Gotcha Day, and my brother was one of the last to arrive, so I had time to watch as the other kids were brought in.
It’s difficult to express the pain and grief that goes into a Gotcha Day for some children. Though some don’t have a difficult adjustment or don’t cry much on the day itself, others do. In the end it is a wonderful thing, however in that moment it seems far from wonderful.
In fact, it feels a lot like a legal kidnapping.
These children are being ripped from everything they’ve known, handed to strangers, and may or may not understand what’s happening to them. Not to mention that, in this situation, the kids were being given to people who don’t speak their language and don’t look anything like them.
That in and of itself is difficult to watch.
One of the things that got to me the most on this particular Gotcha Day was seeing the heartbreak that many of the former caretakers were experiencing as they handed these children to their new families.
The caregivers were a part of adoption that I obviously had known about, but never really given a ton of thought to before. I had always been thankful for them for caring for my brothers, but never really considered the loss that they experience on a Gotcha Day.
Any preconceived notions you may have about a caregiver go out the window when you see the tears rolling down their cheeks as they say goodbye to a child. It wasn’t until I saw the pain on the nannies and foster parents’ faces as they walked out of that room, knowing it was the last time they’d ever see this child, that I realized the pain and loss that goes into this side of adoption.
My brother’s nanny stood off to the side, silently crying as we held him. She was clearly upset, yet resigned to the fact that he was leaving. She nodded and gave a small smile through her tears as my dad thanked her for caring for Caleb.
This was a child that she had cared for and loved.
I’m sure she wanted for him to have a family and knew that he would leave someday, however I doubt you can ever be truly prepared for that day to come.
There’s no easy way to say goodbye.
When Caleb waved and said, “Zai jian, ayi!” (bye, nanny!) I don’t think he really comprehended that this was the last time that he’d see her. But I could tell by her face that she did.
None of this goes to say that good did not come out of this Gotcha Day – quite the contrary. The pain of that rainy April morning soon subsided, another child can now be cared for by Caleb’s devoted nannies, and there is another Muller in the world. (Though some may argue that that last point is actually a scary thought.)
In the end, the good that came out of that day outweighed the hard parts of it. However the big picture can be difficult to see when you’re in that moment, witnessing firsthand the pain and heartbreak that is experienced by so many on Gotcha Day.
I will be forever grateful for some of the amazing caregivers who not only prepared my brothers so well, but sacrifice so much themselves to care for these children.
– guest post by Julia
Julia you will be the queen and their favorite sister I speak from experience having had five brothers and no sisters. Roberta
So insightful for a young person. Beautifully written and right to the point. Understanding the wider scenario and seeing all sides with great wisdom. I am very proud to say that Julia is my cousin’s granddaughter. She has been well taught about caring for others’ and given an excellent, gold star, grounding on the way to becoming a valuable adult able to play her part in the wider society. Another Muller in the world is most certainly a good thing. They would describe themselves as “wacky, crazy, mad” at times but the world would be a worse place without them – and others’ like them. Joshua and Caleb have been Gotcha by a wonderful family. Julia and her brother Daniel are devoted to these boys, as are Chris and Corinne their parents who have giant hearts. Thank you for publishing Julia’s story.
This was very helpful for me to read, on so many levels. Thank you.
Julia, what an great perspective you shed on this beautiful and difficult day.
Julia, you are a fantastic writer. Thank you for sharing this day and your reflections on the oh so sad- and happy- emotions you saw and felt.
very well written! Thanks for sharing!
What an amazing, precocious girl you are. You are kind, wise beyond your years, a wonderful writer, and a great big sister. You have insight that many adults will never possess. I can’t wait to see how the Lord uses you. Thank you for sharing.
What a wonderful big sister you must be! You have insight beyond your years. So eloquently stated how somethings in life are just plain bittersweet!
What a beautifully written piece. I often look back with sadness in that I didn’t take more time to properly thank those who cared for my daughter before I did. I had done a ton of reading about attachment and was so focused on my daughter (understandably) yet I still wish I’d taken more time to smile at, thank and appreciate those who had cared for her before I did.
Julia the love and pride I feel by being privelidged to be known as your grandma is immense. This article could only be written by someone who has witnessed the love and sadness felt by all parties involved in Gotcha day and you are the sister any child would be proud to claim as theirs. God is going to use you mightily I know for his glory and your papa and I love you so much!❤️