trust and pretty shoes

February 21, 2012 by nohandsbutours Adrian, Attachment, older child adoption 1 Comments

Trust is a funny thing.  You kind of don’t notice it, until it is gone… or was never there.

I think the sword and shield is the universal symbol for
“I don’t trust you yet!”

Me:  Okay Ping, we have to run into my work for a second, then we will go home.
Ping:  Okay.  Can I see where you work?
Me:  Of course.  Here we are…
Ping:  Oooooh, you have a lot of computer.
Me:  Yes, yes I do.
Co-Worker:  Hello, you must be Ping!
Ping:  How you know my name?
Co-Worker:  Because your Daddy has told me all about you.
Ping:  What?!  Are you joking me?
Me:  I talk about you all the time.  I tell everyone how beautiful you are, and how nice…
Ping:  I KNOW you are joking me!
Me:  No really, I do.
Ping:  Uuuungh.  Daaaaaad!
Me:  Okay, Ping, this is Daddy’s friend Miss Y.
Co-Worker:  You have very pretty shoes.
Ping:  WhaaaAAAAaaaat?
Co-Worker:  I like your shoes.
Me:  Miss Y has a bit of a shoe problem.  She has a whole drawer full of shoes!
Co-Worker:  WHAT?!  I DO NOT!
Ping:  What?  You joking me again?
Me:  Nope, look in the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet.
Ping:  *looks at drawer*  That is a big drawer.
Me:  Yes it is.  And it is FULL of shoes!
Ping:  *looks at Miss Y*  Do you has shoes in dere?
Co-Worker:  No.  No I do not.
Me:  Hey!  You can’t lie to a little child!
Ping:  My Daddy is joking me.  Right?
Co-Worker:  Right.  You are so smart!
Me:  Hey!  Don’t tell her I’m lying!  You want my daughter to think I’m lying to her?!
Ping:  *thinks hard, looks at me, looks at Miss Y*  You got shoes?
Co-Worker:  No.
Ping:  Daddy joking me, I know’d it!
Me:  *siiiiigh*

… two weeks later while having breakfast …
Ping:  Mommy, Daddy joked me.
Wife:  What?
Ping:  He say, his friend have shoes in drawer.  But I know’d he joking me.
Me:  Ungh, its Miss Y at work.  She has a drawer FULL of shoes, but she won’t admit it to Ping.  So Ping thinks I’m lying to her.


… a while later …
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Me:  Hello, you’ve reached the Yeti at work.
Wife:  Hey, we’re just passing by and Big D needs the bathroom, can you let us in?
Me:  Yea sure.  Is Ping there?
Wife:  Yea, why?
Me:  I want her to come in and see Miss Y’s shoes.
Wife:  … really?
Me:  Yes!  She can’t continue to think I’m lying to her!
Wife:  … really?!
Me:  Okay, Miss Y, Ping is coming in a couple minutes.  I need you to show her your shoes, because she thinks I’m lying to her…  and that is not good.  We don’t need more attachment issues.
Co-Worker:  Oh fine.  I’ll show her.
*Ping comes bounding in*
Me:  Hey baby, look, do you remember Miss Y?
Ping:  Yes!  You don’t have any shoes in your drawer!
Co-Worker:  That’s right!  I have no shoes in my drawer!
Me:  What?!  No shoes?!  Ping, just go open the drawer, you will SEE them all!
Ping:  Daaaaaad, stop joking me.  I go see Mom now.  Bye.


… a few weeks later …
Me:  Hey Miss Y.
Co-Worker:  Hey, oh, hi Ping!
Ping:  Hi.  Do you have shoes yet?
Co-Worker:  How do you remember that?
Me:  It is very important to her.  You know, because she thinks I’m lying and all that.
Co-Worker:  Okay, Ping, come here.  Look.  *she cracks open her drawer a little*
I’ts like in some cheesy movie where Pandora’s box is opened – light comes streaming out of the drawer, illuminating both the girls faces…
Ping:  WAaaaaOOOOWWWW?!  YOU HAVE SHOES IN YOUR DESK!
Co-Worker:  Shhhhhhhh!
Ping:  DADDY!  YOU NO JOKING ME!
Me:  I told you I wasn’t joking you.
Ping:  Can I see all your shoe?
Co-Worker:  Sure.
And the two girls spent the next 1/2 hour reviewing all 30 pairs of shoes, in the drawer, hidden under the desk, and behind the computers…


See, trust takes time.  Love, you can’t rush it, but you can help it along… maybe, after all, I know a thing or two about da ladies.  You can buy flowers, bring chocolates, stand out in the rain holding a ghetto blaster above your head while playing Extereme’s “More Than Words” outside your beloved’s window… ghetto blaster… no, it is a real word.  It was something for playing music.  Kind of like an iPod.  But bigger.  A LOT bigger.  Yes, it was portable.  You could put it on your shoulder.  No, not your pocket.  Yes, it had batteries.  About 12 D-Cells.  What’s a D-Cell?!  Oh c’mon!  I’m not THAT old.  Where was I?

Oh yea, but back to trust, how do you help advance it?  How can you build it?  I’m not sure.  I mean, I can be as steadfast in my love, and as trust-worthy as one can possibly be… but trust is really out of my hands.

See, with the shoes, I was tell the bang on 100% truth.
Ping, just simply did not want to believe me.
There was nothing I could do to change her mind.

In love, in attachment, I could have read any number of books… okay, I could have had my WIFE read any number of books, and there would bee different ways to address love and attachment.  I’m sure there are ways to try to encourage the growth of trust as well… but I haven’t read anything on it… or, my wife hasn’t read anything on it and told me all about it.

But what can you do for trust?  I had thought of pointing out every trust worthy thing I did in a day…

  • Hey Ping, remember when you were on the stairs, and I did NOT push you down them!?  Yea, see, I’m trust worthy!
  • Ping, remember when you came home from school, and were banging on the door to let you in?  Yea, I totally let you in.  I didn’t have to.  But you can trust me.  I opened the door.
  • I TOTALLY didn’t eat your Skittles!  Your Mom did.
  • Remember when I said you were driving me crazy?!  Well, look!  I’m CRAZY!

Maybe that’s a bad idea.  Maybe trust is just something that grows with time.  I can’t force it.  Goodness knows I want to.  But each day, she trusts me more and more.  I’ll just keep bring trust worthy, and maybe she will eventually believe me… you know, over some total stranger that she just met like Miss Y.

What’s not to trust?!

But in the end, I know it is hard for her to trust, it is hard for anyone to trust who has been hurt before – sometimes a “wounded” perspective makes it hard to see how people may love you.  So am I going to worry about it?  Nah.  Will it hurt when I can see it plain as day that she doesn’t trust me?  Yup.

But then I’ll choose to see past that, to adjust MY perspective to see where she can and will be able to trust me.

Like when she gets scared at night, and calls out “Daddy, I’m scared of the dark!”trusting that I will make it better.  I just remembered, before I started this post, she was crying about the dark saying she was scared… a great opportunity to help her confront her fears head on, and help her over come them, to build that bridge of trust between us… or, I may have simply told her something along the lines of “suck it up, you’re fine!  Get back to bed.”  

Hmmmm… and I wonder why we have trust issues… just… can’t… figure it out…




One Response to “trust and pretty shoes”

  1. nohandsbutours says:

    Cracking up over this post, Adrian.
    And I really appreciate your perspective on gaining trust… on THEIR terms. So true!

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