He said it.
he said it in rage.
he said it anger.
But regardless of why
he still said it….
You are not my mama.
Looked me right in the eye
and screamed it into my face
You are NOT my mama.
Been home a little over a year and that is what came out of his mouth.
Though I didn’t let him see it,
and I didn’t react to it,
The tantrums are fewer now than they were when he first came home.
The fits of rage and frustration have pretty much dwindled
but not once
despite it all
in those early months
did that ever come out of his mouth.
So why now?
Why after a year?
A year of love and encouragement, of life and fun?
Maybe if I did know my heart wouldn’t have crumbled beneath the weight of those words
because I could have explained it away inside my head
but as it is
I have nothing
so those words just hang out and echo in my ears.
Is he finally fully settling in?
Is it finally sinking in that this is forever?
Is he mad at me that we don’t know who she is
or where she is
or why she left him?
Is he really mad at her and not me?
I don’t know.
Is he just mad that he got sent to the stairs for a time out for something so trivial that I can’t remember what it was?
Is this just the adopted child version of “I hate you” that we see from teenagers on TV?
Does he just
This is, after all, the same child that told some visiting Chinese missionaries in our home that it was “impossible” that he got to stay here forever with us.
That after being home 2 months at the time, the child had no idea that this was his family forever.
What I can’t wrap my brain around is how to explain this to him any differently.
I’ve read the books.
I’ve found our path.
I’ve explained how blessed he is to have two mama’s that loved him.
His China mamma
And though I know there is a lot of debate amongst the adoption community about fabricating your child’s story
and I agree with that
I also think that I do 100% know something about her
and that is this:
she. chose. life.
And to do that
and to risk that abandonment charge in broad daylight
It happens as we all know.
It happens e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.
This woman chose life.
And with the risk she took
call me crazy….
but I call that love.
So though I don’t spin a fairy tale of the circumstances of his birth family
we make it clear
his story begins and ends in love.
And we talk about it.
He wants to talk about it
He’s happy and engaging when we talk about it.
He hugs me and plays with my hair while sitting in my lap when we talk about her
and when we talk about his story.
So I don’t know.
I don’t know if we are missing something here.
or if this is part of a normal to-be-expected thing that will happen
that this is how he really feels.
Because if that’s the case.
Then I don’t even know where to begin.
So I pick my heart up off the floor
scoop him up in my arms
and walk this road with him.
Because if I know anything
I know that’s what HE would do.
So I’ll wipe the snot off of my face,
act like I haven’t been crying
and carry on.
I am his momma.