The Looking Glass

So another year has come and gone. It never fails that I experience both highs and lows as we wave goodbye {and sometimes “Good Riddance!”} to one and a hearty “Hello, come on in!” to the other. Are you the same?

A lot has taken place in our family over the last two years. At the end of 2011, having recently lost our Seth to complications from heart surgery in China, we had found Gabe, our Little Prince, to be waiting on our agency’s referred list. He, too, had a heart issue and “sensitive needs” that at first, I was too chicken to even inquire about. Eventually, not able to let that hankering go… I asked for his file.

It’s so unbelievable, in my flesh, to reconcile how the Lord does these things. How He orchestrates the details of our lives to foreshadow and prepare us for future happenings. How something that seems so “coincidental” can be the very means of comfort and confidence later on.

Because of a need our son, Joel, had that was not even disclosed to us prior to travel…we were now considering a little boy with extensive urological needs. We had a relationship with a pediatric urologist/surgeon and our understanding, though limited, was more than the average parent’s might be for these type of needs.

Still, I read the file, over and over again.

I studied the photographs, over and over again.

I Googled and I wept and I prayed, over and over again.

And I stood before the looking glass and asked myself, “Lord, are we even up for this?”

Gabe 3.23.11

The Holy Spirit gently whispered the answer to my question, “No. You are not up for this. But I am. My grace is sufficient.”

And so the Little Prince came home to his family who utterly adored him. For four months, in preparation for his heart surgery, I kissed him and hugged him and took care of him. I so wanted to give myself over to just being completely in love with him. But I was scared to. Looking back, I think somehow, I left part of my heart hidden where Gabe was concerned. Terrified that we may lose him though his heart condition was much less severe than Seth’s. I brought him outside to take pictures the evening before his surgery and later that night, could not physically lay him in his crib for fear that it would be his last night with us.

After he was sleeping soundly, completely unaware of what the next day held, I stood before that same looking glass and asked that familiar question, “Lord, are we even up for this?” And as is His way, His Holy Spirit calmed me with His Word.

Gabe - the day before-3454 copies

Here we are 51 weeks later.

6 {SIX} surgeries later.

The 7th to be in January with an 8th and hopefully last, scheduled for summer 2014.

I haven’t stood in front of the looking glass to ask that question in quite a while. Oh, I’ve wept for our son and prayed that God would end his suffering from a broken body and too many surgeries. And I’ve wondered, again in my flesh, how we can do this. But always, His encouragement to me has been that His grace is sufficient.

So, we soldier on.

We love BIG and we wait expectantly for the day when Gabe’s body will be as it should be.

I often wonder, if we had known on New Year’s 2012 what we know now, that the extent of his urological needs would require multiple surgeries, would we have moved forward? It’s an unfair question because it takes the sovereignty of God completely out of the equation. But still, I wonder. In my humanness, I tend to gravitate toward “easy and light”… rather than hard and heavy.

His grace is sufficient though.

For Gabe. For parents who find themselves saying “YES!” to difficult and unfamiliar roads. And for the millions of children waiting for someone to stand in front of the mirror and realize that while we may not be up for it…God’s heart beats for the orphan always. And most times, when we let go of our expectations or our own limitations, beautiful things can happen.

Happy New Year, y’all!

Roberts family 2013-4946 copy

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. “ II Corinthians 12:9



Comments

  1. Love this post, Kam. Missed it first time around. Beautiful things indeed.

  2. Jennifer Barnett says:

    Beautiful post – thank you for sharing!

  3. Thanks for posting this! Just what I needed to hear.

    • I’m so glad, Laure. I was in a Mucinex fog when I wrote it a few days ago and am really relieved the Lord uses us in spite of our fogginess. Many blessings to you in the new year!

  4. Amazing. So true that God knows us better than we know ourselves.

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