“I Didn’t Think They Gave Away Their Boys”

November 27, 2009 older child adoption, Wife of the Prez 7 Comments

I’m sorry if that title offended anyone or made your heart jump. To be honest, it offends me and makes my heart POUND. I hear it so often when I share about our waiting son in China, and often this comment is followed up with a question or more of a comment: “Oh, you aren’t going back for a little sister for your daughter?” “No,” I say, “in fact, her brother is older; he is 9.”

At this point, I am either met with a blank stare or a laundry list of opinions and pitfalls we may face from people who in most cases have never adopted any child much less an older child. I know I’ve shared a bit of background here that is not pleasant but I felt it necessary. It seems like there is such a lack of unity these days in adoptive communities, even within the community of Christ-followers who are led to adopt.

Back on November 20, 2008, I posted the following comment in response to this post (go and read it; it is worth a few minutes of your time; and then come back here if you want to here me ramble; it is therapeutic for me :)). Stefanie, You are a gifted writer!

“Yes, my heart is being tugged by the boys too. We definitely wanted a little girl as we just had two boys. Now, we have a girl and I just don’t think we could specify the next time but who knows. I do know our boys are praying for another brother, and I KNOW God hears their prayers! Thanks for posting what a lot of us think about but don’t have the courage to say.”

So now as I sit here on November 20 2009, hashing out this post, I realize I have been thinking a lot lately about a whole lot of stuff. Well, now, that was profound. Can anyone relate? I feel like sometimes I am thinking all the time about all kinds of stuff, or I am not even able to think about anything at all.

*scratching head at this point*

The thing is that I feel like I’m continually reminded of how what we are in the process of doing is not something many would consider to be wise. It is not even so much the not-so-well-thought-out comments or even the fumbled words, but it is the overriding thoughts I see lately within the Ch*na adoptive community of the risks of older child adoption, and to add to that: older BOY adoption.

What about bonding?

What about your other children in your home?

What if he resents you taking him away from China or *gasp* giving him an American name that he did not choose (none of our children so far got to choose their own name:)?

How old is too old to be adopted?

Does he even know about you yet, and what does he think?

And on and on the thoughts go, some of my own making.

I KNEW if we went back to Ch*na again, we would be bringing home a son. I can’t really explain it other than the Lord supernaturally impressed this thought so strongly in my mind that I couldn’t get it out of my head, and more importantly, my heart.

As we are now awaiting our Referral Acceptance (61 days today), I am getting into that 2nd trimester of this wait, where quite frankly, I don’t like the places my mind tends to wander. And lately, as I see disruption story after disruption story, I just get so worked up. What if this? What if that? What if this or that? Is it just me or are there more and more disruptions taking place in China lately? Or maybe people are just becoming more and more open about it?

I wonder if part of it is the rush to send in a Letter of Intent because of the way the shared system works? I will say that I love a lot of things about our agency, and one thing I love most is that they will NOT allow a family to send a Letter of Intent (this is a piece of paper stating a family wants to formally ask for permission from China to adopt a specific waiting child) until their Home Study is finalized. Our SW was thorough and she asked us some tough questions, ones we needed to be asked and ones we needed to ponder and really digest. I am grateful for that.

Of course she does not have all of the answers and neither do we, but we consider the Letter of Intent to be one of the most important steps on our part. It is a promise. China requires some specific wording in that contract if you will, and The Prez and I don’t take those words lightly.

Because The Prez will be traveling to China while I stay home with our Li’l Miss and her big little brother, we have had some deep discussions about my what if scenarios. It would be irresponsible on our part not to have those discussions. The Prez does not have what if scenarios swirling in his head. I don’t get that, but I am grateful for it.

When we waited to go and bring Li’l Miss home, I must have driven The Prez crazy with my worrying. I remember I was fixated on her smile … or the lack thereof in her three referral pictures. I asked him, What if she never smiles? What if she can’t? And if she can’t, what will we do?

He responded: I believe she can, but maybe she just doesn’t have much to smile about. And even if she can’t smile, we’ll see her smile through her eyes. I already do.

Well, melt my heart and convict it all at once, will ya! But he was right. And I knew it. He truly had that measure of faith that I was lacking SERIOUSLY at that point in our journey. I am so thankful God works like that in a marriage partnership. When one of us is lacking in an area … say, like in faith … the other usually is overflowing with a huge measure of it. You might think this time around it’d be different, but not so much. I’m the one lacking, and The Prez is the one overflowing … with faith. I remember saying the words right before we left for China last fall, even still. And God was faithful.

I have no reason to doubt He’ll be faithful this time around too. No, He absolutely does not promise us it will always be rainbows and sunshine. In fact, He says it rains on the just and the unjust. But He also says in Proverbs 16:3, “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” I think the key … at least for my understanding of it, which could be way off … is the word succeed.

I wonder out loud here: What does God think is success? So I had to look up the original word used and what it means in the original language. For me, this jumped out: the short definition is certain. And words from the longer definition: to be erect (i.e. Stand perpendicular); hence (causatively) to set up, proper or prosperous), prepare (self), make provision, be stable, (e-)stablish, stand.

In short, I can know that God’s plans for this journey to our son will be certain, that God will help us to stand perpendicular, that He will give us the provisions we need, and establish His plans in our family. That gives me great hope in the future – both near and far.

It makes my heart sing to think of the plans He has for our family and this precious child. No, the path has certainly not always been sunshine and rainbows for our son thus far, and that will always be a part of who he is. And the path will not be all sunshine and rainbows for him once he becomes our child. Even still, God is. Yes, we have been led to our older son in China, and yes, we have already thought of all the looming questions many feel the need to point out to us. And no, we don’t have most of the answers, but we know the One who does. That brings with it a huge measure of success.

7 responses to ““I Didn’t Think They Gave Away Their Boys””

  1. Stefanie says:

    You are so right! And if it's not one thing to worry and lack faith over, it's another. I have found myself going down that same path while we waited for each of our children… and thankfully, like the Pres, my hubby was so firm in his knowledge that as much as any biological child, the child waiting for us in China WAS our child!

    And even more than I relied on my husband, I relied on God's clear leading to each of our children. That's something we can and must cling to above all. He knows exactly what He's doing, all the time 😉

    Can't wait to see you bring your boy home… there is no doubt His plans WILL bring success 🙂

    P.S. I think the other key in that verse is COMMIT.

  2. Rebecca says:

    We, too, have a precious little boy waiting for us in China. Already, I am amazed at what some people have said when they first of all found out that we were adopting again (5th child, 2nd adoption). They assume it is a little girl and I could pick their mouth off of the foor when I say, "no, this time around we are adding another son to the mix of our family."
    Then the comments start coming, a lot of the ones that you mentioned.
    I pray that sterotypes can be abolished and that more and more families will bring home these angels.
    I appreciate your honesty and your obvious zeal for the orphan!

  3. Love Letters To China says:

    My heart sunk when I read the title of this post. I actually have a similar post I've been writing saved in my edit post list. My husband and I adopted a sweet little 2 year old boy last year from China. He has brought such joy and love to our family from the very beginning. I too had many of the same thoughts run through my mind before bringing him home. It's amazing how they all vanished the minute I held him in my arms.

    It drives me crazy when people ask me that same question… "I didn't know they gave away the boys." I realize not everyone is educated on the topic of International Adoption, but those words are so harsh. I get so upset with myself when I start going into this long explanation of why I adopted a boy from China with complete strangers. I feel like my son's medical history doesn't need to be explained each time someone meets him. I'm learning to answer that question with less detail and just a "yes, there are boys available for adoption too.".

  4. Chris says:

    I guess all those people out there think alike. I have had the exact same questions and comments after we tell people what we are about to do…adopt a son who will be 10 before we get him home.
    I agree w/ Stephanie "commit" is very important part of that verse. What we are about to do will not be easy, for us there is an outward physical disability, we have never dealt with that. I pray for grace to smile kindly to the stares and growl like a tiger if I need to.
    God will help us with all our needs, but I need to remember to ask and to accept the help He sends. Sometimes it is not the help I expect.

    Leslie, you are ahead of us in the process (we just had our first home study visit today, but we have PA) please keep your posts coming and keep them honest, we (I) need it.

  5. James says:

    I never cease to be amazed at the ignorance of many people. Questions and comments like the ones you have described are not so much offensive as they are a revelation of how little respect for life and for the precious gift these children are to those of us who are blessed with the opportunity to bring them home as part of our families.
    We have answered so many questions over the years, many of them from children…who at least have an excuse for their ignorance. I am more amazed at the number of questions that come while standing in line at the grocery store from complete strangers who talk about our children like they are exhibits or medical experiments that welcome their inquiries, with no regard for how their questions might affect our child or us.
    Anyway…I thank God every day for our two daughters from China and our son who is waiting for us. He is six.

  6. jennifer says:

    I just got your comment on my blog, but it didn't have an email address (or blog). Please email me back (doughty39@bellsouth.net), we are with AW, and we very well could travel together!!

    Love your post, by the way!

  7. Amy says:

    Thank you for this wonderful post. Half of the children in our programs in China are boys, and it is always so hard to know that when they come out on adoption lists, they often sit and sit and sit just waiting for someone to finally look more closely at them and say, "THAT is my child." Far too often I see the files of boys being returned unchosen. The days of China's orphanages being filled with 98% girls are long over. With four out of five babies being abandoned having some sort of medical need…equal numbers of boys and girls now live in institutions needing someone to love them. I think anything we can do to help spread the word that so many BOYS are waiting for families is so essential.

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