It would be easy to say the past does not matter, but it does matter for our son and it does matter for us as parents.
The past is buried in our present.
For those who meet Lock today, they are amazed at the progress that has happened during the last 28 months.
Has it only been 28 months?
Lock today is full of smiles, full of life, and always does his best. Never missing a day of school, never missing Sunday church, or Wednesday night children’s program. Practicing basketball every day. Attending Taekwondo class twice a week.
Whatever Lock starts, he is diligent in completing.
I call Lock my little missionary. Lock is unafraid to ask anyone:
Do you know about God?
Do you know Jesus died for you?
Do you go to church?
Lock is unafraid to tell someone who answers with a “Well, sometimes…” that “God won’t be happy with that.”
He continually tells people that he will grow up to be a missionary to China. He prays every day for the people of China. “They don’t have Bibles. They don’t know about God.” It is hard not to shed a tear when Lock prays, “Please help them to be good to their babies.”
Those who see Lock today see him as a very happy little boy. And that he is. But sometimes the Then is still able to be seen.
We have made great strides in Lock understanding that not being picked is not rejection. Lock likes to be picked. He will volunteer for anything. When I see that hand go high in the air and he is not picked, and he is disappointed… I try to put myself at the orphanage with hundreds of children wanting to be picked and see the disappointment in his eyes for seven years of not being picked.
Lock has finally understood that he will never go hungry again.
When Lock joined our family, he would consume more food than my husband and me combined. You would see him become so full that we knew he was miserable, but we let him continue to eat. He would eat 36 fish sticks at one meal.
When he would say, “I eat more, more, more…” I put would put myself at the orphanage school, where Lock would say that a bowl of rice would be put in the center of the table. There was never enough for everyone. Even though he still has a healthy appetite, now his meals are more normal size.
Lock loves to learn. When Lock first joined our family, we would use workbooks to begin to learn numbers and letters. We learned very quickly that Lock would complete the entire workbook at one sitting, even if he could not hold his head up anymore. Lock has learned that there will be a tomorrow in our family, another day to work on things.
What about the Then and Now for us as parents….
Then we were “routine” people. Our days were filled with ordinary, everyday work and activities. Now the routine revolves around Lock, not us.
Then our organization revolved around us. Now our life is organized around Lock, not us. Organization is required to get him to Taekwondo, football, church activities, school activities.
Do I miss my Then life? Not really.
Lock is the one who missed the life that he now lives.
Oh, how I wish I could give those first seven years back to him…
I wish I could give him the days of being rocked to sleep as a baby.
I wish I could give him Kindergarten.
I want to give him his first Christmas morning as a baby.
I want to give him pictures with his grandfather, who passed away before his adoption.
I want to give him back his vision in his right eye that is gone due to scarring of his cornea.
I want to give him so much….
I now can and will continue to do so for as long as the Good Lord allows me.
But I know that I have to face the reality that I cannot go back and give to him anything in the Then.
I cannot rewrite his past.
Part of my responsibility as his mother is to help Lock understand that he is part of God’s plan. God’s allowed for him to experience a different start in this world, and then to become part of our family.
It is the Now that we can provide for Lock.
– guest post by Becky