March 26, 2012 adoption realities, Journey to Mazie, Nancy 6 Comments

In the middle of the night, between the screeching and the pinching and the hitting…

…the sweetest moments happen.

Since coming home, Mazie and I have been awake 4-6 hours every night with only 1 exception.

In the middle of the night while we sit on the couch, without knowing it, my head falls backwards, and I start to doze off. Mazie stokes my cheek to get my attention. To have me look at her again.

She wants my attention.

She wants my eyes on hers.

She wants me to see her.

Her sweet smiles and little rumpled-up nose grin appear in the wee hours of the morning.

She loves to have her feet and toes massaged and I can easily accommodate her at this late hour. She places her feet in my hands until I rub them. And when I stop she wriggles her foot back into my hand and fusses until I start rubbing again.

Somewhere between 2-3am last night, (or maybe that makes it this morning) she let me cradle her as she finally dozed off. She tried so hard to keep her eyes open. And each time she opened her eyes she saw me looking at her, and she couldn’t help but smile. At me. Again and again she’d smile as she saw me gazing at her during that in-between time between sleep an awake.

These are the sweetest moments.

I had forgotten how hard and incredible the middle of the night can be with a new baby.

And yet, my second time around through an international adoption journey, and I find myself wondering if reentry was this hard last time. I know in reality it was even harder last time. But I’m reminded how hard this work is.



Physically my body is shot, and in the first few days when I was so sick, much of the time I literally couldn’t do anything more than just observe. The nausea, the jet lag, the incredible fatigue is overwhelming sometimes.

Additionally, mentally this is so difficult.

The what-ifs creep in.

My family and my home that ran so smoothly before we left, is now in constant shambles. I’m not able to find the ability to tuck in Tess and Jude each night, or snuggle with Boo like he craves. I find myself doubting my ability to successfully run this home. The house is a total wreck. The meals I filled my freezer with are still sitting in the freezer untouched. My temper is short. The laundry is piling up and the dishes need to be washed.

This is hard work.

I rest in the fact, that this is all part of the transition.

My transition.

Our family’s transition.

Sweet Mazie Jade’s transition.

This isn’t reality yet, and yet it is my reality now.

These are all part of the process of a child being uprooted completely from all she loves and knows in an instant and being transferred to something completely foreign and new.

This is all part of the process of dropping a child with 2 years of history into a family unit.

I rest more easily knowing that this processing she is going, that we are all going through, is compounded by lack of sleep, a complete change in diet and routine, jet lag…

I’m trying to get outside a bit each day, trying to let the sunlight hopefully work it’s magic and restore our bodies’ clocks.

Trying to get over the difficult hurdle of reentry.

Mazie loves it outside. We all love it outside. Balls, bubbles, and the grass between our toes.

With the exception of the reentry itself, what’s not to love.

6 responses to “Re-entry”

  1. Linda says:

    thank you for putting into words the way it really is. transition is HARD. we just returned from our third adoption in January and I do believe it’s gotten harder every time. Maybe I’m just getting older. Our newest little one was severely neglected and so I have to really get in his face to make him notice me at all. we are making progress, but it is slow. I know it will get better. For you, too.

    • Nancy says:

      We’ve been blessed this time around to have our new little one, LIKE to look at us and likes to be seen by us. A blessing. But last time around it was like what you describe, we had to get in her face, and it was so different, and that made the challenge all the more brutal mentally. 3 1/2 years later, she’s a different child. Keep up the good hard work. You are His hands indeed.

  2. Love, love this! It is written with such honesty. Re-entry is brutally hard and well worth every difficult minute.
    Thank you for writing this!

  3. Well said, Nancy! Such a difficult and yet beautiful time. Your words bring encouragement. Even though we have been home for a year, those crazy days still come. And we are about to embark on the journey all over again. I am trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the lack of sleep and the unhinging of what seems normal now around here. I know it is inevitable, and I am more than willing for it to come because we are so ready for our son to be with us.

  4. Re entry is so freaking hard. We are still up ever 2-3 hours all night long and I just pray it ends at some point. I have actually gotten use to the lack of sleep, but I know its not good for my little girl.

    The other part about re entry that i was unprepared for was the constant stream of doctors appointments. I should have made the appointments before I left but just did not know enough. So, here we are 2 mos after we got home just learning about our child’s health. heartbreaking to know I did not do the right things and my DD is paying the price (i.e late diagnosed health concerns) b/c of my lack of parenting knowledge.

  5. stefanie says:

    Have experienced so much of this myself… thank you for your transparency, Nancy.

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