Dear younger me. Where do I start?
I know your knees are shaking, but I am so proud to see you step forward totally devoted and with an obedient heart to say yes to adoption. Believe me when I say that this will be one of the best decisions you will ever make. The house you dreamed of having pales in comparison to the home you will later create with your husband and four sons. Yes, dear one, you will be happy you traded your quiet life with two young boys for the four silly, loving little boys who wake you up with kisses and snuggle with you at night.
But the truth is, almost four years have passed since God asked you to adopt one of His treasured children. I’m sure you might have already guessed, but you didn’t get from there to here without trials, struggles, heartache, or pain.
Then you could be…One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head.
I wonder how much different things would be.
Dear younger me.
While you are buried beneath adoption paperwork, across the world, a child is sleeping in an orphanage with 500 other children, and he has no idea that you will be his mommy. When you first see his picture, you will cry. Oh dear younger me, you will cry so many times as you come face to face with the reality of brokenness in our world. Too many children live apart from families, and this reality will become real and personal when you see your new son posed at his orphanage. Your heart will ache while you wait and wait and wait for government processes to take their course, each milestone you reach cutting a new layer of red tape away.
And finally, finally dear one, after so many weeks and months of waiting, you will hold your son in your arms. His body will be warm and feel so tiny beneath his clothes. Your faith will be your sight as you behold the gift God invited into your life. However, despite his silliness and sweet smile, you will come face to face with the walls of protection your son built around his heart. Dear younger me, you will interpret your son’s actions as rejection because beneath your own scars, that lie was planted many years ago. Please don’t miss this because it will be crucial to both of your healing. Your sweet boy does want you. He needs you, and what you will learn in time is how much you need him.
Although your histories are different, you share the same desires as your son – to be wanted and loved. To feel safe and secure. You also share the same fears. Fears of being left behind. Of being unwanted. When God brought you into each others’ lives, He began a great healing inside you. Together, and only together, will you find your way out of the maze you built around your hearts.
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me
Dear younger me, you will make so many mistakes. You will try to traditionally parent this little boy only to see how much it hurt him, how much it hurt your relationship. These methods will drive disconnect while your hearts are left craving connection to one another. When you will find yourself at a dead end, work to repair your relationship. Reconnect, turn around together, and only then will you begin to find your way out of the maze again.
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me
Four years from now, you will find yourself reflecting about how far your family has come. You have climbed so many mountains together – you, your husband, and your little army of boys. As you look out from the top, you can see the many obstacles you faced together along the way. Financial hurdles and medical issues – God was with you through them all. Learning to give love and receive love is a battle you have faced together, and dear younger me, you are winning that fight. Do you hear me? Love wins. Every effort you will make to create a foundation for security and trust will reap endless rewards. One day, out of the clear blue sky, he will share that he dreamt about you the night before, and when you inquire further, your sweet boy will share that in his dream, you kept him safe.
And at that moment, you will realize that he is standing on the foundation of trust and security that you have been pouring all around him. And by bringing healing into your son’s heart, dear younger me, you realize that the child in you is healing, too.
Of course you will find yourself in valleys. Regression is real. Keep your eye on the prize and believe me when I say, they are becoming fewer and farther in between. Every moment spent communicating love, building security, creating trust, and demonstrating safety is giving your son the courage to tear down those walls around his heart. And dear younger me, you are even beginning to let down yours, as well.
Together, He will bring healing.
Together, He will bring hope.
Together, love wins.
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
**Dear Younger Me by Mercy Me