Letter to my Chinese Birthmother

July 12, 2016 adoptee perspective, adoption realities, adult adoptee, Perspectives, telling their life story 1 Comments

Ni Hao and hello!

I’d like to introduce myself. I am the Happy Panda from Europe. I was adopted when I was two from Sichuan. I am now 24 years old and just graduated as a social worker. I studied social work and during the lessons we learned to create/stimulate awareness. My goal is to create awareness about adoption in daily life for everyone who’s interested.

Adoption still has a big influence on my daily life. It has a negative and positive effect on my life. I sometimes feel like an outsider. But I also experienced the benefits of being adopted; I have a multi-cultural identity. I have the best of both sides of the world!


happypanda


In October 2015 I started a blog about being adopted. Interesting adoption related subjects will be shown, like adoption movies or books. I also add adoption poems and paintings I make in my free time. I hope to give people a full impression about being adopted from China. And I hope my blog gives you insights about being adopted from an adoptee perspective.

Here is a letter I wrote to my Chinese mother that has become my most shared post. I wanted to share it here, too.

……….

Letter to my Chinese Mother

It’s been a longtime since I’ve written you a letter. I even can’t remember when I wrote my last letter to you. Maybe it has been already five years ago. Maybe I couldn’t understand the use of it. Maybe it made me sad that my letters wouldn’t find you. Still they don’t, but it doesn’t stop me to write you. I can accept the fact that I can think of you even if I know I will never meet you in life. It’s quite a paradox isn’t it? I can even find comfort in writing this letter to you. It gives me the feeling that you are closer to me.

We are not at the same place right now. You are somewhere and I am somewhere. Still we are connected and still I feel connected to you. I have lived a life with you and now I’m living another life without you. Sometimes I feel old because of the fact that I’m living two lives. But mostly I feel grateful for having another chance. I am grateful that faith brought me a second life. Without you I wouldn’t have all of this. You have given me birth and I hope you think of me once. Not too often because I don’t want you to be too sad in life. Miss me just a little and I’ll be alright.

My wish for you is that you don’t have regret for abandoning me. Forget regret. Please don’t fear either. Fear is irrational and it makes you afraid. Fear is your worst enemy. If you would see me you would understand me. You would see how I’ve grown and become and all your worries and anxieties would disappear.

I understand your choice for giving up on me. Your choice even saved my life. I am a very lucky person who is very healthy and wealthy. I have a lot of friends and a wonderful love. I have the best parents and wonderful brothers. I can do what I want. I studied what I liked. Have lots of pets and stuff. I know what friendship is. I have felt love. I understand trust. I understand loss and grief. My life is complete. My life is pretty perfect and awesome.

So don’t feel sorry, but miss me once or twice.

If you have wondered if I think of you too, I would say almost everyday. I think of you when I stand in the mirror and see myself. I think of you when I order takeaway Chinese or noodles. I even think of you if I want to buy Chinese clothes. I think of you when I see a falling star. I always make a wish for you. I think of you when I’m in church, I pray for you. I think of you when I see Chinese television. I think of you when I see a mother and a baby girl. I think of you when I hear Chinese sounds in a movie. I think of you when I see made in China on my stuff.

You are a part of me and everywhere I go, there you’ll be. I will never forget you because you are a part of me.


letter1


I know that this letter will never reach you. Still it makes me happy to think of you. I know I will never see you. But if I want to I just have to look in the mirror. I know I will never hear you. But if I want to I just have to listen to my own heartbeat. I know I will never feel you. But I believe in you so that makes me feel alright. I know I will never share a meal with you. But I love to eat Chinese food so I think that’s from you. I know I will never make new memories with you. But we share a memory we will never forget. I know you will never see my grandchild. But I will see a part of you in her/him.

I know I will never be a part of your world but that’s alright, because you have always been a part of mine ♡

Love,
Your daughter



One response to “Letter to my Chinese Birthmother”

  1. Lisa Cocchiarale says:

    This is so profoundly moving and lovely. I will share with my 9 yr old daughter (Jiangxi 2007 adopted). Hugs to you for a happy and blessed life!

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