Blog

Dear younger me, You are enough

July 25, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

I’ve been thinking about you lately. Images of you have been coming to mind, and I’ve been remembering little things I heard you say here and there, moments when you said nothing at all, and sighs that said it all. All the memories led me to reach out to you. I think bridging the gap between us will help us both.

I know where you are. I know the struggle you are facing because I find myself there at times even now, years ahead of you.


kelly


You want to know things, and you do. Recommended reads fill your bookshelves. Books that can’t fit among the rest are stacked in front, above, and beneath the others. Most of them have dog-eared corners and stripes of yellow over the parts that you don’t want to forget. There’s part of you that considers all those books and scribbled notes like they are framed diplomas on the wall of your office as Director of Family Matters. All that determination, the commitment, the time spent studying all the greats have earned you something. You know things.

But, I know the thoughts that creep in when you close the cover of another book.

What if this is it? What if I’m simply the mom who tried hard? What if years from now, all that can be said of me is this: “Well, she read a lot of books and tried to do what they said. She tried to follow the manuals….She tried.”

There’s a battle you feel like you’re in where both the offense and defense is you. On one side, you are the mama who gets it, the strong and able one, the informed, the knowledgeable, certified and Hague approved. You give yourself a proverbial high five when your child successfully performs a redo.

But, on the other side, you think about all the times you wish you had a redo and didn’t. And, you are tired, wondering when you’ll be able to just be normal, if you’ll be able to just be normal, wondering what “normal” even is, wishing some sort of Trauma Nanny 911 would fly in on a cloud and tell you that you’re on the right track because you’re pretty sure that despite all the tools you practice you’re altogether not.

I’m not Trauma Nanny 911. But, I do have a word for you from the frontline. You are enough. Just you. Not you with all your skills and strategies. Just you. It’s really just that simple. I want you to hear that. I want you to read it again, say it aloud, right now, wherever you are… say itI am enough.


daisy


Pay attention — all those strategies aren’t futile. Don’t go burning any books. There’s good stuff in there. But, that good stuff isn’t good in and of itself. None of it is good for anything without you. They are made good by the fact that you are the one doing them.

Your children don’t need perfect strategies; they need you.

I urge you to call a truce. Declare a cease-fire and regroup. Bring both parties to the table and recognize that there’s no battle here to fight; you are on the same side. Surrender the drive to know it all and put it into practice as well as the underlying belief that doing so defines successful parenting. At the same time, surrender the burden you carry and insecurity you have become so good at hiding. Don’t be ashamed of the trying. The trying is precisely what matters.

Your children don’t need a mom who follows the manuals or even writes one. They don’t need a mom who gets it “right” as defined by some expert or some research. They need you, a mom whose efforts and words within them communicate that she knows she’s imperfect and broken but will try hard even still to parent them in a way that puts balm on their broken places.

You are enough. I am enough. When you hear otherwise in the quiet or not so quiet moments, take a deep breath and remember what I’ve told you. You’ll be blessed by it and so will I.


Dear younger me, You were wrong

July 24, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

Dear Younger Me,

You were wrong about many things, and I am oh so very glad you were.

///

You got married and designed a life plan. It was a dreamy projection, and you believed you had control of how it all would go. You had a timeline, a number of kids in mind, visions of a dream home, and you never imagined anything beyond comfort, health, joy, and a magically easy, Saturday morning snuggles kind of parenting.

You thought you were the author of your story, and that some praying would help make it happen.

Somewhere along the road, the seed of adoption was planted in your heart, but you decided that you’d wait for “clear signs” and “open doors” before saying yes.

You wanted to wait until the time was right, until the ducks of your life were in a row: your house, your marriage, your finances, your biological baby. You thought it all had to be in perfect order for the child who waited on the other side of the globe.

You thought timing was everything.

When you finally penned your signature on the application, you thought you understood adoption.

You thought you needed to play it safe on the special needs checklist. (Healthiest and youngest child possible, please.)

You thought you knew what YOU could handle, because you’d not yet had to live beyond yourself.

You thought you could adopt and stay within your comfort zone.

You thought adoption would be tidy and romantic. You were trained for possible hard outcomes, but you still believed it would be easy for your family. You were the author of the plan after all.

You thought you possessed the ability to heal little hearts rocked by trauma.

You thought you knew who you were, who your husband was, who God was.

///

You thought you knew how it all would play out. But you were wrong, weren’t you, girl?

Your plans were made with all the wisdom and life experience you had at the time. The world felt like it was yours and you were giddy with anticipation. How the Author of Our Stories must have smiled down upon you, imagining the chapters not yet written. The unfolding was to be hard and good, and so very much more than you planned.

You couldn’t have known how a dossier would change your course. You were wrong about how it would go. The ride was crazier, bumpier, deeper. The timing was off, the wait longer, the obstacles bigger, your child’s needs more profound, the hurt deeper, the love wider, the adventure more grand. There were more giggles, more hospital visits, more love, and more stretching than what you had mapped out. It was altogether better, but you had to wait, you had to hurt, you had to fall on your knees, confused and shaken.

While on your knees, as time passed, you slowly laid down “the plan”, and then realized that your life, your home, your heart could hold more than you thought it could. You felt the beauty of letting yourself be small before a big God. You said yes to more complex needs, to more kids, to more unknowns. You stopped waiting on the sidelines for “signs and open doors” and started taking risks when God whispered a calling. You were given more than you asked for. More was asked of you.

Nothing is how you planned or imagined. The Creator of families got extra creative. He exploded your heart and wrote a grand story with your family. It’s been hard, messy, and far outside your presumed trajectory, but today there are little souls around the breakfast table that you didn’t plan for. Today your faith is bigger and your heart enlarged.

So, I am so glad you were wrong.


boat1


You now know the wonder, freedom and release of living out on the edge of comfort with the Author of all stories. Most incredible is that there is unfolding yet to come for this family, more chapters to be written. I can’t even fathom what is planned for us, and I trust it is better that way.

With love,
Older Me


Thoughts from an Adult Adoptee: Two Sides of One Coin

July 23, 2016 by nohandsbutours 8 Comments

Hello Readers, I am new here at guest posting on No Hands But Ours. First, let me introduce myself. My name is Parrie Liu and I am a Chinese adoptee. Since the age of almost four, I have lived in Texas with a loving family.

Currently, I am attending university and pursing a degree in Biology. My goal is to help others like me. Chinese adoption and special needs adoption are both things that I can relate to.


parrie


As I became older, I started forming my thoughts about adoption. I think of adoption as a coin. A coin has two sides. Adoption has two sides. There is a positive and negative side of adoption. Like a coin, each side makes up adoption. I believe that one should not dwell on one side of the coin more than the other side. There are situations that will cause a person to think more about one side of the coin more than the other side.

There are many positives to adoption. Family is a very important positive to adoption. I became a part of a wonderful family and I am loved by my family. Growing up with a family has been great. I have gained parents, siblings, many family members, and the opportunity to do family activities since I was adopted.

Medical care is another great positive. Without a family, I know that it would have been hard to receive the medical care that I needed.

Another great positive is education. I have received a great education because of my parents. They wanted me to have the ability to learn. There are so many opportunities that I have received in my family. I am very grateful for my family and love them so much.

But adoption is not all rainbows. It can be hard for both the parent and child. Most of the time, I try not to think about the negative side of adoption. The past can be a negative part of adoption. For me, this involves not knowing my past.


parrie1


There are many uncertainties involved with adoption. Birth family, medical history, knowing why I was given up are some of the unknowns for me. It bothers me that I do not know my past when family history questions are asked. I have to fill out N/A on the family section when I am at the doctor. It can be frustrating not knowing the answers.

When people talk about inheriting traits from their family, it makes me wonder. What traits did I inherit from my biological family?

My advice is to let the adoptee talk it out. Talking about these unknowns can be really helpful. Parents need to remember that their children had a past before coming into a family; they should not try to cover up their child’s past. Though my past is unknown, it is something that I don’t want to dwell on too much. This does not mean that I will not think about my past occasionally, but I try to focus on the present because that is what I can change.

I would advise parents with young adopted children to help them respond to intrusive adopted related questions or ignorant adopted related statements. There are many adopted related questions that I have been asked.

Recently, I was told that I should find my birth parents by an older adult. It was very hard for me to hear that comment because I do not prefer to talk about finding my birth parents. I was very kind when I responded and I tried to educate her about Chinese adoption.

Even though most people mean well, it can be a little hurtful to hear those questions and statements frequently. It is tempting to answer slightly rude, but it is better to answer nicely and honestly. Find a response to those questions that your child feels comfortable with. If you practice these responses, the situation can be less awkward.

Adoption is a beautiful but hard story. Adoption has given me the opportunity to have a story, to be a daughter, and to be able to relate to other adoptees, and this is why I consider my adoption as a gift.

– guest post by Parrie Liu

Dear younger me, Enjoy them

July 22, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

louanne

After I agreed to write this guest post on what I would tell my younger self, I wondered how I could narrow down all the things I would tell my younger self. Here is all the advice that people gave me about life with children that I now know was actually helpful. These are the …Read More

Waiting to be Chosen: Nikki and Katie

July 22, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

Nikki1

Meet sweet Nikki. Nikki is an adorable six year old girl with a tender heart for others. Nikki’s special need is Down syndrome and esotropia. Nikki came to Lifeline’s March Kids Camp and was a joy to be around. She is described as outgoing, active, and full of spunk. She is strong willed and has …Read More

Pondering the “What-Ifs”

July 21, 2016 by nohandsbutours 10 Comments

jodi0

I remember reading all the recommended adoption books, watching all the training videos, stalking all the mom blogs, and talking to other adoptive moms during the time leading up to our own adoption. I got myself familiar with so many new terms and tried to educate myself on any possibility of trouble our future daughter …Read More

No Hands But Ours: Reader Survey 2016

July 20, 2016 by nohandsbutours 2 Comments

keyboard

A little over a year ago we created a reader survey, asking our readers to weigh in with your thoughts about NHBO – what you liked, what you didn’t like and what you thought would make NHBO better. Well, y’all delivered. We received so much wisdom and insight – we used your ideas as a …Read More

Luke Waits

July 20, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

luke

Meet seven year old Luke! Luke is a charming boy who has a close relationship with his caregivers and is known around the orphanage for his helpfulness. He is attentive when the little ones cry and runs errands for his caregivers when they need an extra hand. Luke likes to play games with others, especially …Read More

Waiting to be Chosen: Lana and Josiah

July 19, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

Josiah1

Meet little Lana. Lana is a precious 15 month old little girl who loves to smile. Lana’s special need is Down syndrome and congenital heart disease. The Chinese name that was chosen for this sweet girl means beautiful and smart — she has definitely lived up to her name. She is described as gentle, very …Read More

Dear younger me, You won’t be the same

July 19, 2016 by nohandsbutours 0 Comments

rebel

If I could go back to when we started this journey, way back to sitting in those first adoption classes, I would want to take my hand and sit down and say, “Sweet thing, I love you. You are throwing yourself into changing this world. You have a grand vision. But you should know something. …Read More

© 2016 No Hands But Ours

The content found on the No Hands But Ours website is not approved, endorsed, curated or edited by medical professionals. Consult a doctor with expertise in the special needs of interest to you.